Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Thinking of John

Love is stupid sometimes. Doctor John Kiss was my former practitioner and I thought the world of him. But in some ways he seems like a bit of a Nazi. He was friendly and probably pretended to be a 'mate'; this is good for business I suppose. Building up good public relations.

The Condamine Medical Center, where he works, states that people of various creeds, persuasions etc are all welcomed at the center. Including people of different sexual orientations .... blah, blah, blah.

It all seems like legally based propaganda. Going out on a limb here but I think (unless I am a lone example here) that there will always be those who you just will not like. Some people, regardless of class, race, creed or politics are just not going to appeal to us. Sometimes it seems like an instinctive dislike. As an example, I have a roommate who works hard and likes to give gifts to people and give away money and buy drinks. A people person. Somedays I just really do not like this guy. REALLY DON'T!!! He gives me the sh*ts! And it makes no logical sense whatsoever.

Back to the topic at hand, John. We talked a lot, the two of us. Not for hours of course but on and off when I came in for consultations. I'm sure he knew about my sometime sexual attraction for men. It was widely covered in the national media, thanks to 'gay celebrity' (italics very intentional) Ian Roberts. I 'stalked' him, according to the courts.

I talked about sex with John, in the gay sense. I wanted some S.T.D. knowledge. He was good enough to share some information but kind of gave himself away (I thought) when he discussed a particular gay sex act (fisting), something that I didn't ask about and had no interest in. Sure, it could be explained away as coincidental or even incidental but I doubted it.

I have been seen as a bad boy by many (it seems) since the Ian Roberts incident. The media claimed that I threatened to kill him and I suppose that my ambiguous wording on some letter/s could have been construed that way. I admit that I was angry. I wanted Ian and obsessed about him sexually. In polite society, if somebody says 'No' when propositioned then the 'pursuer' must back away and leave the target alone. Yes Sir, I shall comply.

But I could not do it. I hungered and hungered and hungered for Mr Roberts. It was a difficult time and I very much failed the test as it were (legally). These days I have no attraction for the man; he seems unappealing to me, maybe even warped somehow.

But back to John. I returned home after my S.T.D./sex discussions with John and could not stop thinking about the man. It was as if a Pandora's box had been open and we now had a shared personal secret together. I had told him about my promiscuity and how difficult this made my life at times. He learned about some of the sexual acts that I enjoyed with other men and I was specific about these as I needed to know what risks I might be exposing myself to.

John was on my mind and it seemed a little unusual. O.K., maybe I have a dirty mind at times but the whole 'presence' of the man was overwhelming; when I later described this to a psychiatrist he seemed somewhat dismissive of the whole event. It did not go with his academic assessment of 'erotomania' or some such.

I am willing to be shot at but I reckon that John may have been thinking of me too. Sure, difficult to prove, and if my 'stalking' case ever eventuates I probably would not have much of a chance at convincing a jury that I could sense this guy around me and in the room. Over-active imagination etc, etc. Bullsh*t!! It was something else.

I don't know if I am psychic and I don't claim to always be right about life and its many issues but my sexual longings for John Kiss really took hold after I discussed my private (sex) life with him. I don't know why and I get sick of the whole angle that I am some sort of dirty, perverted bast*rd! I don't accept this. I would have happily been a one woman type of man and bypassed the man love bit but I think that a lot of people have this part of themselves which gets hidden and punished as society still frowns about it.

The weird thing about the whole 'I love John Kiss' episode was that my so called mental state was seemingly downgraded after this time. I was no longer 'schizophrenic' or 'bi-polar' or 'schizo-affective' or whatever just 'personality disordered' and ready for jail etc. Hard to believe the rubbish that happens in the public health system sometimes.

I would be happy to claim that I may never have been really mentally disturbed in a clinical sense but was twisted out of shape by a culture that wanted me to feel dirty and different and inferior for having 'perverted feelings' etc. More bullsh*t I think!

Queensland (Australia) feels like Nazi Germany at times. I felt targeted for many reasons. I was 'gay' (which is not true I think), I was 'mentally ill', but not after I got fresh with Johno apparently. It seems like a sick system at times and I did not enjoy the forced medical treatment that I was sometimes subjected to, for a 'condition' that did not exist?

I upset the status quo. I wanted to sleep with a married man (and I am still somewhat assuming here as I never asked him if he was). I am being pretty open here and to the point and I am not doing this in order to offend anyone or be 'hip' and 'leftist'. I am using this blog as a form of therapy and healing and I have decided to clear my mind in a public forum as I don't think that hiding the truth is always such a good thing. I am not famous and I am not profiting from sharing 'secrets'.

Life can be tough. I am not officially working at the moment. I don't have many close friends and my family are d*mn offensive at times and can be more hindrance than help. My Mother (God bless her) says that I am 'difficult/impossible to live with' but she never spread this type of 'crap' that much until I threatened to call the police after she assaulted me one day. I think she knew that she had done the wrong thing by hitting me (which she did) and decided to try and destroy my character by making out how 'impossible' I was. Convenient. She has been very 'scathing' at times about my perceived sexuality. How I would possibly be 'happy' in jail etc, (because I would be f*cked a lot I suppose). Poisonous and repulsive!

Not saying that my Father has been terribly loving always either. I think that they (my 'parents') are 'good' people really but sometimes that is a problem in itself. I want to be 'good' and show the world that I line up with the idea of 'goodness'. Phony bullsh*t I think. Be 'real' first I think. The truth will set you free!? Well who knows huh.

So, with John Kiss; I love the guy and sometimes I hate him with equal force. I had stated that I wanted to stab him at the local Rodeo; did not say it to him but I was stirred up! The whole thing about being attracted to someone is that it is rarely a neat and tidy situation. It can be hell I think! Why the f*ck would I want a graying, aging, middle-aged, married (?) smelly, d*ckhead of a Doctor!? NO F*CKING WAY!!

But the truth is, and it is the truth; I love Doctor John Kiss with great passion; he p*sses me off of course but that is part of the 'magic' of animal attraction. You fight against a person and resist the force and the power of your own sexual nature. You want to hit someone and spit them in the face and swear by God that they disgust and appall you! But you know deep down that if this same person came close to you and touched you and turned you to face them you would be weak from desire and would not be able to stop them from holding you and slowly taking you to be theirs.

Johno, I'll go 10 rounds with you in the boxing ring (and probably lose) and swear like a trooper at you, spitting venom, shower you with my hatred and anger, my fury!

It's all front, and he knows it ...... I'm a slave 4 U ...... GOD*MMIT!!!

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