Tuesday, September 30, 2008

★ (5th Letter To America) ~ So A Threesome With Ms Palin Is Out Of The Question Then!? ★



M., strange times are upon us!

Yesterday, I received a UPS envelope that contained a $3000 (USD) check from an organiztion in Philadelphia (from what I could tell)! I was instructed to pocket a generous portion of it and send the balance to an orphanage in Ohio! What the!? It all seems above board with addresses and bank details (I Googled!)

Ain't life grand!

So, with a few more 'lovely numbers' such as this, you and I shall be jetting off to the Maldives for a 'recovery holiday'! (Recovering from what!? Well .... the Governor of Alaska is becoming increasingly 'frightful' and Voldemort like! J.Mc is scary enough as it is ..... NOW THIS!!! - my head, is swimming, somebody get me the smelling salts - post haste!

I'm very 'aristocratic' in manner when I go away! Everything is just 'super darling', tres exquisite and v.v. 'Fab!'. Simply delish! (Which, reminds me; my latest literary creation, 'Binky' Poddington-Wordsworth, a socialite from the Upper East Side, with an annoying penchant for Christie's 'must haves or I shall simply expire on te spot!' is a voracious anti-Palin campaigner! Binky does not approve of Ms P, oh Lordy no! She said to me (sotto voce of course) ... "Must have words with thee my sweet, 'tis about that frightful lass from Alas-y-ka! Oh my ..... I said 'Pet', I said 'Love', I said 'Sweets', I said 'Hon', I said 'Ducks .... this appallingly dressed 'apparition' (referring to 'Ms Palin') is simply stomach-turning! The hair, that ghastly way she does her eyeliner and, Don't get me started on her wardrobe .... I thought I would simply die! Shivering with the horror of it all! Bring back Jackie O - now 'there' was style! Must dash, Chiquita needs her walkies and then it's off to the Astor's for my bridge date ... Toodle-loo Pet! .... I must say, I'm loving that color on you ..... Subl-l-l-l-liiime!" .... Binky knows what's 'in' and what's 'out' I can assure you!

Enough of my fun 'n' games! I am planning to write a 'syrupy' mucsical in the style of 'High Society' or 'Showboat' all about the lives of musically talented and quintessentially romantic 'boroughed' fools! Big band melodies and sugar lyrics to tease and please .... a bit of a Gerswhin 'aura' chucked in, shake up, stir, and serve to the Cinema going hoards! ..... with one twist, one delicious catch! Every character in the film is a reformed herion junkie, cross-dressing, trans-gendered 'freak'! (note italics). Yes, the 'excluded' shall have their moment in the sun - Drag Queens who can do Grace K. to a 'T'! .... Couldn't chya just die!? (winks)

Love and a hug,
Dave.

P.S. ..... the curtains go up, the scene is Central Park on a cold winter's day, a few people straggle across the footbridge over the lake and the camera does a wide panoramic sweep to focus in on me looking buff, cheeky and ever so twee! ..... then I start to sing, holding up a discrete sign 'Dedicated to my sweet Marky - the only angel from above!' .... then, the rich tones of ....
'Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
If youre young at heart
For its hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If youre young at heart

You can go to extremes with impossible schemes
You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams
And life gets more exciting with each passing day
And love is either in your heart or on its way

Dont you know that its worth every treasure on earth
To be young at heart
For as rich as you are its much better by far
To be young at heart

And if you should survive to 105
Look at all youll derive out of being alive
Then here is the best part
You have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart

And if you should survive to 105
Look at all youll derive out of being alive
Then here is the best part
You have a head start
If you are among the very young.... at...... heart....'' I'm joined at the end of the last chorus by a buxom pair of black transvestites who cover me in snuggly schmoozy embraces and a thousand kissies! Oh glee, oh rapture! I wonder if our darling friend Sarah would approve!? Tra-la-la!!! :-) x

★ (4th Letter To America) - Yikes! Your Last E.m. Didn't Escape My Spam Filters - Strange!? ★



You sending me 'spam' laddie!? (between bread slices).

My 'dodgy' reference was me saying to you that I hoped you found 'cold comfort' in your fridge moving! It sounds slightly acid and 'snarky' from my part - didn't mean it this way though!

The Enron bit got dropped ('stern, unimpressed looks my way?') Not to worry. I just tacked out a really shortish piece cos it might be rejected and I can't be bothered to write books on a blog!

I've included a copy of my article (*) for you to have a quick squizz! (NOT worth digging I admit, and the copyright on it could be 'frightful' for now, but I kept it 'safe', 'clean' and 'appropriate'! Sounds like Ms Palin's sex life to me! big grins)

Cheers Champ!
Love your fuzzy wuzzy bud from Down Under!

(*) Article with-held for contractual/copyright reasons.

★ (3rd Letter To America) - The State of The States And Why Chocolate Just Might Be The Answer! ★



'ello, 'ello!

What the devil am I getting at!? Hmmmmm.......... I feel sad when I hear angry tales from U.S. citizens about their country; the repression and lack of essential services etc. Michael Moore is a two-edged sword; his genius clarifies and crucifies at the same time! It has always been the way that the biggest stars of them all will get the harshest treatment and the most unforgiving judgements. Is it karma!? (What would I know - just a 'dumb cowboy' from the outback etc).

But lets face it, there aren't many other brigher stars than the U.S.! And where does the chocolate come in to it? I'm an addict, not 'usual' for a man!? (My t-shirt has printed on it "see that 'girl'...." I sniggered tho'! ;-) I refuse to get bogged down with the 'issues' of life! CBS, NBC, ABC etc can scrabble for the crumbs! I just wanna chill and eat da sweet bounty! (Sorry, I get lambasted for my 'ghetto' speech in some cyber-quarters!) .... 'Where were you born? F*cking Harlem or something!?' In a dustbin on 5th actually, (is what I should say back!)

So, this is another meringue-whipped farcical epistle. Am a happy camper and I 'irritate' with my jollilities! ........... sigh! Someday I shall have a base in the U.S., I just know it, and you can visit me in my Upper East Side apartment for pyjama parties and l'il chats about fat cats and square Bitches! (..... 'ave lost the plot!) I want to make the quintessential feature film that sends up Manhattan's vices and rubs Woodie's (Allen) face in his own over-indulgences! (in the nicest way possible of course my friend!) ...... why Mia didn't just stay shacked up with Monsieur Previn is anyone's guess!? ..... how about a quick game of underage geisha girl sundae? (smack my behind!) ;=0

Gotta run - stacks 2 do as per!

Hugz and forgive my 'diatribe' .... you know you love it!.... whimper...

D.

~ Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit! (2nd Letter To America).



Dear (name with-held),

Everyone pretend to be normal! (I watch too many 'side-industry' films I think!?) I'm about to leave for the city ('capital show') but wanted to wish you luck with the fridge! (Take a Quaalude - Ms Love swears by them!)

Sorry to say but the subject line sums up this little 'tome.' I am guest blogging on a well-known Internet 'celebrity's' website and I want to pen a 'tres fab' article on the Enron scandal and why ethical business practices must be the order of the day! (Could be quite 'diggable'!?) My 'employer' seems like an uptight Republican 'lover' so I shall tread carefully. Michael (Moore) and I would get along famously but the 'severe' businessman in me would still try to sell him back-end weight loss products! (Naughty, naughty!)

So, my desirable friend, may you find 'cold comfort' in your 'moving' duties! ..... that sounds a bit 'dodgy', sorry!

Love D.

'Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,
And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,
I will be brief: your noble son is mad.'

★ Letter To America ★



Thanks, (name with-held)! - for e.m. and compliments!

I chortled at your 'helicopter' incident! Why not 'moon' them next time!? You could have 'Free Iraq!' in large, red-lipsticked letters across your posterior! :-)

I was a big reader in my childhood and had great English teachers too! The reason why I 'escaped' in to the land of literature (and otherwise) was that I lost my parents as a child and was somewhat traumatized by this, so resorted to reading (and lots of it!) ..... oh dear, I have a scar on my forhead too and have an affinity with all things mystical and 'veiled'..... where has Hedwig gone and why can't I apparate in to the next room!? (apologies to J.K. Rowling!)

But seriously, my development years were fraught and I did mourn my Ma and Pa for an extended time!

Best to you Bud!

Love D.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Preparing For My 'Homophobic' Court Case!



There's a rumor going around that the above cowboy is a picture of me when I was a bit younger; back when I was doing some casual Hollywood movie work... (ever heard of Ray Liotta? - 'Goodfellas' - I was in a movie with him and Lance Hendrickson ('Aliens'). Anyway, I've got nothing that I want to admit or deny about the matter! :-)

Next month I have to travel back to Queensland, the heart of 'homophobe' territory to answer to 'stalking' charges.

A few years back I had a diagnosis of 'Paranoid Schizophrenia' and developed an infatuation with my local cowboy Doctor, who was also the Chairman of the nation's most influential rodeo. Anyway, I told him how I felt in a few letters and was 'roughed-up' by the police, charged, and locked up, (in relation to this and a related matter).

Being on the pension for a number of years I cannot afford expensive lawyers and 'over-priced' Psychiatric reports. I need to hire an experienced lawyer who can present my case in a court of law, with complex medical files to be examined.

I feel like I've been given a rotten deal on this one and the media (press) are circling, owing to my past history of being associated with a very famous identity/actor - (celebrity name with-held)! My private life has been dissected in the 'gutter press' and has lead me to contemplate and attempt suicide on many occasions.

If you believe in the rights of free expression/sexuality, please consider making a PayPal donation towards my legal defence.

Thankyou, and may freedom reign!

Love Dave.














If you enjoy reading my blog how about making a donation towards my legal expenses please!?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Humor - 'Sin'!


'Sin'.... The explanation of the word itself is as much of a devilish quest as the countless and twisted definitions on offer; the meaning confounds, it teases and torments the minds of the masses .... always has ... stretching back into the shadowy tomes and reckonings of distant ages.

A slight against the 'All Powerful'? A disobedience that cannot be tolerated? A mere trifle magnified to ensure the ongoing power struggle? Wayward caprice?
Or something more? .......

Perhaps One should consult the Master whose domain apparently encompasses this Greatest of 'Vices'.
Old Nick, that wily Beelzebub, the Satanic Prince of the Air ....... THE DEVIL! A clap of resonant thunder, the skies ripped asunder with blazes and flashes of a sulphuric furnace. The horn, the tail, the trident, the glowing eyes, the impish cascade of mirth. It is HE! (Or 'She', if You can believe Meryl Streep's version.) So, Mister D. Ville of the realms, What, pray tell, is 'Sin'!?

The band strikes a tune, chorus lines of Satanic effigies high kick as the song begins: (cue smoke and fireballs for effect if You will).

The Devil throws back His feted head and croons in a smoky baritone manner ... (the lights dim):

'Sin! .... Oh, to have to begin, to describe an act of impervious din!
It is lying, and cheating, and fornication is in,
Yet to enjoy this Life You must do All to Win!
Twirling and prancing, embezzling within!
That grandest ...... that evil, that leads You to grin! (saxophone solo).
It is Sin! da da .. Sin .... Sii-iii-nnn .... It's S-i-n!'

The Devil breaks into a Las Vegas style tap dance routine ably supported by His scarlet sequinned minions. Cavorting and wildly jiving to the brassy rhythms.

(coda begins, as that swanky Lucifer returns to the microphone.)
'It is Sin! da da da da .. Sin ... Ju-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-usst SIII-IIII-NNNN!'
..... 'da na da da da da, da na da da dooooo-ooo' (lights fade and music softens.) 'That devilishly, deliciously and so fashionably in! .... It ..... is ........ (greater pause) ....... Si-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-nnnnnn!' .... bows allround as flaming velvet curtains descend.

That about sums it up Folks! It doesn't get much clearer than that! And 'Yes'! ... 'even I too have sinned!'. (raunchy brass solo ends with the flinging of a leopard-print g-string onto the camera lens .... fade to black.)

Homosexuality: Absolutely Wrong Ways To Come Out Of The Closet!


Is there a best way to come out of the closet when one is a homosexual? The matter is an extremely personal one and it is up to the individual and how comfortable they are feeling if and when they decide to reveal their status.

Some scenarios one would probably be best to avoid are:

(a) Announcing the fact at a busy family gathering or birthday party, especially if there is a strong religious faith present.

(b) Using the admission as a way to break off a marriage or relationship that is floundering. There is never a substitute for sensitivity and tact.

(c) Coming out in an unprotected public forum such as a T.V. show or newspaper article. If you are happy to accept whatever consequences may arrive from the decision then proceed with your plan, and good luck!

(d) Presenting one's sexual preference in an aggressive manner in order to punish family members for past abuses in never recommended. It is never an effective weapon in any setting.

(e) It is inadvisable to reveal one's status in the company of strongly homophobic or narrow-minded company. This practice should be avoided in order to protect one's safety.

(f) Revealing any information before one is completely comfortable with the facts, self-assured and self-accepting to a reasonable degree is not a wise move. Telling a close friend or family member to start with to see how it makes you feel is a much better method.

Finally, if you instinctively sense that a certain time is not the right one to express your personal sentiments then be reluctant to go against your intuitive feelings. It is a momentous occasion and one that requires courage and pride in self in order to carry out successfully.

Be proud of who you are no matter what!

Satire: Repentance


Repentance! The very word smacks of God-fearing judgements and biblical obligations. Thou shalt not; here is where we shall start the first lesson. In order to never have to actually ever repent, simply do nothing wrong! How easy is that!? Just be perfect God-d*mn it!

So, ensure that You obey the following implicitly:

(a) Do not covet your neighbor's wife. (The Bible insists on this!) However, coveting your neighbor's husband doesn't rate a mention, so enjoy! There is also no mention of sexy older sisters, best friends or eligible mothers. Go get 'em tiger! (wink).

(b) Thou shalt not kill. It is in black and white; no swatting at that annoying mozzie, vegetarianism is now ordained, in fact it would be killing the luscious baby tomato offspring if you pluck it off the vine and pop it into your chomping, killer's mouth, wouldn't it? So, live off air and water ... but seek God's permission first.

(c) Love your neighbor as yourself. Therefore you must find people who live next door to you who are identical to you, then love the socks off 'em. If they differ from you then they won't be the same 'as' you, will they? If all else fails simply take great pains in choosing a very well-classed neighborhood. In other words, 'love your neighbor as yourself', but choose your neighborhood carefully!

(d) Love the Lord God with your heart, mind and soul. If you happen to be an atheist or a Goddess worshipper you may skip this bit.

The reason why I mention the above is to provide a framework of mindless and subjective rules in order to confuse you. And here's where the repentance bit comes in. You see, if you happen to overstep the mark on any essential commandment, it is extremely important to seek repentance from God. Only 'They' can provide the forgiveness you seek. (Note how I have avoided offending the God of political correctness with my choice of pronoun - so no need for me to repent.)

Confess your sins my son! This is a time honoured and well-worn phrase spouted by the holiest of holies! 'Daughters' are exempt apparently, so live it up ladies .. let's get the party started!

But all you sinful sons (shame on thee!) get down on bended knee and describe in detail all your breeches against God. Reveal in detail, hide none of your transgressions and empty the immoralities from your heart's chamber. Free thy soul! Thinking about this, is it any wonder why young men so wanted to become Catholic priests? The traditional act of confessing was the precursor to the tabloid press. You got to hear all the dirt! Sex, thievery, lusting, murder, bestiality, adultery, violence, alcoholism ... it was all there! Jackie Collins couldn't make up some of the stuff that got repented in the confessional box. Holy spiritos santos!

The other delight of Catholic style repentance was that one could pay something called an 'indulgence' to the church which freed up any responsibility and ensured a free path to the gates of heaven when one died. Strange that the church officials didn't seem to have to repent this obvious sales technique swindle!

Which leads me to the final conundrum of repentance. Where (in God's name) does God actually go if 'He' slips up now and again? If You are at the top where the hell do you go to unload!? Does God-almighty go downstairs and lay it on his former fallen angel Mister de Ville? 'Just coming to dish the dirt on my latest round of smiting the earthly sinners with my plagues of blood and pestilence! You got a minute Satan boy?' .... I guess I had better go and repent that. Amen.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

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Monday, September 1, 2008

~ TWO DAYS TO CANBERRA AND THE RETURN OF LORD VOLDEMORT! ~



After saying goodbye from our Adelaide friends we headed for the Victorian border, passing through the towns of Murray Bridge, Tailem Bend and Pinnaroo. The countryside was green and the Murray River looked healthier than usual!

We crossed the border and stopped for lunch of jam sandwiches. Towns we drove through included Murrayville, Danyo, Cowangie, Tutye, Boinka, Linga, Underbool, Torrita, Walpeup and finally to Ouyen!

Further east through Manangatang and then turning south to Swan Hill, our destination for the day. I read Harry Potter books and my head was alive with magical adventures and creatures when we pulled in to my cousin's house.

Nobody was home, so we walked Shinook and returned to the house. It turned out that they were home all along but were out the back of the house and could not hear our knocks.

A quick dinner of scrambled eggs on toast, followed by family style chat, a hot shower, and off to bed on a fold-out stretcher in the loungeroom.


Day 9

Up we got, another new day had begun! Packing, jam toast, puppet shows with the kids, water bottles filled and goodbyes said ....... we were off on our final leg of the journey!

We headed up to the town of Deniliquin (I thought this was where Ned Kelly, the Australian Bushranger, had once lived but I couldn't find confirmation of this!) Some of the back roads were graded dirt and a bit rough; we saw some emus and a galah hit the car's windscreen at some speed! Driving back to find the poor creature was to no avail.

I was reading 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' and was enraptured by the story! I wasn't so keen on the house elf character of Dobby, but I Loved the rest of the magical tale, especially the conundrum of Tom Riddle .... a.k.a. Lord Voldermort .... the dark one had returned!

We stopped for lunch at a little park and continued on to the city of Wagga Wagga; ironically there was a Wagga Wagga ghoul or ghost, some type of monster in the Harry Potter story!

We were all a bit sick of driving now and were very keen to get to Canberra, where we would be staying with my Sister, Her partner, and baby. Stopping just outside Gundagai for a toilet break, I tried hard to see the dog on the tuckerbox, but was unable to.

Passing by Yass, then on through Murrumbateman, we finally hit the suburbs of Canberra! Traffic on the road was not too bad and we got to our destination in good time.

After greetings, unpacking, a delicious dinner of homemade beef pie with veges, and a lime cordial, I did some computer work. I began reading the fourth Harry Potter Book, "... The Goblet of Fire"!

Surfed my way to #1 on my Trafficera team and a member rank of #140 on the first day! I changed my avatar to the Gryffindor Shield and finally got to bed after 3 am.

The big trip was finally over!!

... and That's Your daily bread! ...

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