Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Do you ever want to suicide?

I'm not having the best day. I feel like crap to be frank. Maybe it is my medication playing up or my so called 'schizophrenia'. But I don't want life to end just because I am having a bad day.

Growing up I attempted suicide on a number of occasions. I hated life. I think I hated my family at times. I hated school. I hated the girl that I thought I loved; and the boy that I thought I loved. LIFE S*CKED!!

Life was hard and I was expected to be independent and cope .... and I didn't.

Everyone has bad days I think. Many people want to die every day. But if you are reading this and feel like you want to end it all, I hope that you don't. I don't know your pain and your life story. You might be angry or sad or full of hate for the world. Go with that feeling I reckon. Acknowledge it and let it be. Don't kill anyone if you can help it and don't end your own life.

Hey, life can be hard. REALLY HARD!! I lost both my parents as a young child. I grew up in a pretty straight-laced and strict world. I had 'nervous breakdowns' as a teenager. I fell in love with men; I'm still in love with a married man today and I AM A MAN. Life is F*cking impossible at times. I am on a disability pension and don't get along that well with my adopted family and share a room with a man who grew up in Poland and seems insane at times.

But I don't want to suicide. Life is still good... and bad. I like blogging and listening to Coldplay. I eat peaches ... I watch porn. And I let myself be sad and lost and depraved and silly .... and I ask for forgiveness, and I live in the moment .. and I cry.

And I love you John ... you sexy, tough-minded, Nazified, sonofabitch, beaufiful stud!

.... I don't want to suicide.

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