Monday, December 8, 2008

Not eating.

I do not feel hungry today. I was going to go downstairs and have a $5 rump steak and salad but I do not want this.

I have been speaking with my roommate Bruno. He is from Poland and is a nice man but seems to be full of anger. His country has suffered and he has suffered too. He likes to talk but does not like a lot of contribution from other people in to his conversations so I just say 'Uh huh', 'Yes' and indicate that I am listening (sort of).

I did have some (overpriced) potato salad today and some nice yoghurt (probably Greek) with fruit. And a lemon drink. But that was about it.

It is a strange thing but when you are in love with someone it seems to mess up your life a bit. Well maybe for some. My interests seem to have narrowed a bit. I went to the cinema today but did not want to watch a film. The music shop was of minimum interest to me and I couldn't be bothered with eating ice-cream. I felt a bit lonely.

And I thought of John and it was a good feeling. Not overly sexual, just a good feeling. To many, he would just seem like an average, middle-aged man. Well qualified and quite influential but maybe not a world beater. I don't care about that. I just know that I love him and I am proud to admit this fact. I don't feel shame or disgust or angry at myself. Why should I?

I don't know why my heart loves the way that it does but it seems very determined, and, to be frank, I would probably be better off if I could just forget John Kiss. But the mind forgets, the heart does not.

My life has been quite untidy at times. A few years back now I fell for a famous sportsman who described himself as being 'gay'. His name is Ian Roberts and he is quite well known in the sporting world and now in the field of acting too; (small roles, but still known). I was crazy about him and wrote to him many, many times. He was annoyed by this and I ended up being charged for stalking. O.K., the law is the law but I could not turn the feelings of my heart off. I tried and I tried and I did not want to have such strong feelings for this man. It was bloody awful at times.

I loved Ian for years and years and was taken to court for being too persistent with him. The story was in the media, on television and in the newspapers and on the Internet and in a magazine and I felt sad about it all. But I was not ashamed that I loved Ian. I could not help my feelings and I did not feel dirty or 'bad'.

Sometimes in my life I have wondered if life is worthwhile. Hey, if you fall head over heels in love with older men and you are pretty forward and direct about it, you can except certain challenges to be thrown your way. I guess I have been a bit pushy with the men that I love; a control freak?

Still, life goes on. I am not that unhappy. I find it hard to work. I am on a pension and live in a cheap hotel, but it could be worse I guess. I could be living on the streets and trying to sell my arse for a meal. That would be bad!

I think that life is a good thing really. It is not always easy of course. Try being in love with a man old enough to be your own Dad; he is probably married, I know that he has a family of course as he has told me so.

Mister John Kiss, you are beautiful and loved and I am not sure that I would mind taking the 'bullet' for being so fond of you. Such is life, I cannot stop my heart and I do not see why I should have to be sad about my heart's love.

Life is good; let's celebrate it.

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