Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Getting late and I still have not eaten.

Michael, one of my roommates, will be coming home soon. He is quite a nice fellow and buys me coffee milk at times. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't buy me things as I am not inclined to return the favor. I don't have the money really.

Today I found a picture of Doctor John Kiss on the Internet. Here it is. To many he would seem like an average looking middle aged man. A man in the street, you may never say 'Hi'.

But to me, he is beautiful and incredibly sexy. I adore the guy and have tried for many years to stop loving him so much. From what I know, he is married with a family and therefore off limits. I swear to God in the heavens that I have tried all that I can to stop thinking of this man. To stop feeling for this man.

He knows that I love him as I have told him. I was not polite about it. It was not a good thing. Yet, it was the truth. I don't want to step over anyones marital lines. I do not want to be in love with an older man. I want to be like him not be in love with him.

But the fact is, I love John Kiss like no other person on this Earth. It is sick to many; it is wrong to many. This is not a good thing many would say. It must not happen!

I cannot help it! I love him so d*mn much! My mind tells me that I should not have the feelings that I have. I should not love John. I should not be this way.

I would swear on a bible, in front of the whole world, that I can not help the way I feel for this man. It consumes me. It hurts so f*cking bad!

Some people say that I am unwell and that I have a sickness, perhaps that I am emotionally unbalanced. I have been treated by doctors and psychiatrists. I have been locked in hospitals and medicated and been given treatment and pushed around and been arrested by the police and been abused by Queensland health workers and family and friends. I have lived on the streets and had no money and been pursued by the courts and lawyers...... all because I love John.

I swear to all the hosts in heaven that I have tried to forget about this man. I have tried to put my feelings away. I have tried to 'do the right thing'.

Yet still, I love him, and love him, and love him. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It is hard. I am sure of that!

John Kiss will always be in my heart. I may have to live out a lonely life. I'm not sure. But I am not going to let this beat me! I will not be destroyed by my heart. I am stronger than that!

I cannot stop loving my former Doctor; I know that this is beyond me. I am also aware that this continual blogging and pining for him may make crap reading. It is a release. I am trying to heal. I am trying.

I love you Doctor Kiss. Such a beautiful man, such a beautiful name. Of course I kiss him in my mind and I am sure that I do not mind if the almighty God sends me to an eternity of Hell because of my love for this man.

Everything about it is wrong. My life is crucified because of it but I shall never hate myself for loving him. John Kiss is the most beautiful person in the world to me, I wish that it were not so but I shall bow to the power of the heart, the power of love.

I love you John. Dave.

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