Sunday, December 14, 2008

F*ck me to Hendrix Johnno

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008

Stolen pole dancing freak show boy with 'tude! x

Every time they turn the lights down
Just want to go that extra mile for you
You public display of affection
Feels like no one else in the room (but you)

We can get down like there’s no one around
We'll keep on rockin' (We'll keep on rockin')
We'll keep on rockin' (Keep on rockin')
Cameras are flashin' while we're dirty dancin'
They keep watching (They keep watching)
Keep watching

Feels like the crowd is saying

Gimme, Gimme more
Gimme, More
Gimme, Gimme, More
Gimme, Gimme more
Gimme, More
Gimme, Gimme, More
Gimme, Gimme more
Gimme, More
Gimme, Gimme, More
Gimme, Gimme more
Gimme, More
Gimme, Gimme, More

A center of attention (Can you feel them?)
Even when we’re up against the wall
You’ve got me in a crazy position (yeah)
If you're on a mission (uh-uh)
You got my permission (oh)

We can get down like there’s no one around
We'll keep on rockin' (Keep on rockin')
We'll keep on rockin', rockin' (Oh ah ha)
Cameras are flashin' while we're dirty dancin'
They keep watching (They keep watching)
Keep watching

Why Pornography may be like cotton candy and not a soul destroyer.

I haven't seen vast amounts of adult films. Perhaps 20 to 30 in my life, and that's it. (Some Internet surfing for pics and free movies too). Not XXXcessive!

Sure, policing of this type of fare should be done properly ... no children thanks!
However, I think there is a lot of bantering and misconceptions about porn.

It objectifies the sexes and cheapens the natural act of human lovemaking, and is a degrading influence on society. I'm sure all these arguments have validity.

There is a certain side to human nature that craves chaotic, lustful, untamed expression. Let go of the reins and be free in your natural passions.

Personally, I've never found porn to be that addictive. Like a sugar rush it can satisfy a quick need and dissipate in a shortish time frame .... gone away.

If you accept your own sexual nature fully and not be harsh with your body's needs and don't tie up your head with love only .... then you may fly..

Peace Brothers and Sisters and relax yo' life .... Fatherspirit 'Ripley', last surviving crew member of the S.S. Nostromo ...... signing off (wink).

Sometimes you cannot score a root.

I said, in no uncertain terms, that I wanted his sex,
How can you be that polite about matters such (letter Fedex?),
Yes I panted and his keen, bespectacled eye ran over nouns,
Pump it, suck it, bend me over, much they frowns.

What do you do when all you want is sleaze and sin?
Rip the sh*t out of your psalms and line the bins,
I'm sorry and sorry and contrite but I can't go on,
'til Mister kiss does kiss my kiss and sighs Tuscon...

The morality of it: I was weeping still over the loss,
The loss of my Ma and Pa and breaking the ming vase heart,
He was warm and comforting and loving and ... well nice,
Not being perverse and keeping tones indicted vice.

O.K., I float .... I watched the cowboy jokes get busy so,
But I loved him purely and was natural to be J's Ho,
I just wanted to hold the F*cker for sh*ts sake, love 'im!
SORRY THO GOD*DAM HELL, I DID NOT SEE THE 699 TUHIIN!!

I saw the 2 x 666 in the contact numbers and laughed, pure devilry?
A bit of a Virgo wink and gayed me up shadowed out to chivalry?
He had a wife Jokester, I didn't mean to be this damn sold my pal,
F*ggot, Pooft*h, Fairy, Homo ............ GO TO HELL!!!!!

Hate the B*stard .... but never lose your mojo!
(Dedicated to all them who asked the question ... and to all them who did not ...)

Ms Monroe was a Godly Whore..

Marilyn rang Bobby K. to save her hand,
But fate was quick to see her go unto a grand,
Look, you don't tread paths that way without the soul,
Ms Monroe didn't coke around, she was The doll!

R.I.P. N.J. and get the f*ck off that grate now ........... sewerage updraft Babe!

The serious science of Courtney Love

I don't care that her mascara runs,
And the daughter saw her death time,
She could have killed old Kurt,
And run off with the pumpkin boy tonight.

Courtney has run a riot race and be that may,
Look at the way her flame dispersed and went away,
When we judge and think we know the answers now,
And see a witch for what she is, the dow...

Up and down and up and down counting out the dough,
Rollingstone and chucking mirrors at the M.L.Ciccone,
Love love love and writing notes to Paul Mcartney,
Lennon would have chucked to see the whore at party.

Suck it, f*ck it, luck it out and tear your brains,
Eric and Melissa and Patty and other bright stains,
Janz my Seattle blues and crack the whi[s in zone,
Love Hate Love Hate Love Hate ... derivative drone ....

Love you Ms Love ......... still

Goldie Hawn is my Mother

I don't have track marks and I don't do that speed sh*t at the fancy poker clubs,
You have a choice and you can be the Mister truth teller and be the serious one,
Or you can chill ... hey, what are the rules and where are you doing that sh*t!
She always said to me, follow the flow love grouper and be sure of what it is...

I broke the rules and I looked him in the eye (behind hands) and said 'screw me'!
There was a price to pay and I did not look up the ass of Oxford scholars, nope,
Cos I am an actress, yep, the oracle of Polish parts has spoken his stories,
If you look for even edges and the right answer and only the right one then Hell!

Why did the speeding car collect the post and the lady of the moon go tragic flame,
Why did those towers ignite and the Arab sheiks suck kisses with the white devil,
Why must I remember Ravensbruck and the way they tortured that lovely princess,
Why does Daniel Craig have angles that make the Martian spheres weep with stanzas.

The time may come when you fall off the wagons and break down that oaken door,
'Hey b*tch, I married you and will do the right thing but my cock wants new times!',
When Virginia Woolf screamed that she wanted her space and could not breath now,
The world did not inflame and the futures still spun and she won her right to die.

Goldie Hawn is my Mother and taught me how to be alive in taking away my drains,
The highlights of a fancy Vegas strip club and the pole dancing freakos with spice,
Relax and feel your way to the higher plains and never take a Quaalude with thee now,
And sit your laps in to a night of taken men and broken vows, where love shall weep.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A disclaimer ....

Welcome to the world of my self-indulgence ...
I write for me ...
Out it spews ...
I don't like your world ... perhaps
I am not really a fan of the dumb preeners on well lit pedestals
Yeah, but Cate's just one another Oscar!
Oh dear, a famous soccer star is dead from heroin ... praise him!
I see the 25,000 children in Africa who died slow deaths this week..
THAT is THE NEWS!!! Well, Bono, had a special concert in Copenhagen ...
THEN HE LEFT ON A F*CKING PRIVATE JET PLANE AND ATE AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE IN PARADISE!!
Well, maybe not exactly but his 'contribution' didn't even measure against his wealth!
But Barack and friends will save America!! First, lose the ego and the fancy manners!
Dance slow ... make love ... go backwards nine yards and feel for the unrequited sods..
And be polite ... and love the future.... and vote for the Democrats, cos Hollywood.

PLEASE WORLD, FORGET ABOUT THE GOLDEN GLOBES AND GEORGE F*CKING CLOONEY AND SAVE THE POOR CHILDREN WHO HAVE NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING!!!!!

THAT is the Love of GOD!! ..... All else is PANDERING!!! Be free and love the down trodden!!!!

Letter to John

Dear John ... (why does that sound immediately funny?),

Did you know that I looked up to you? I bet you did.. Did you know that my life had been destroyed as I lost my temper with a famous faggot and I got blasted by the Murdoch clan's sometimes politically correct papers? I bet you did.

Did you know that I asked you questions about life and smiled at you as you answered and opened up about you? ... I bet you did. Did you know that Alan, that stupid precious 'poof' was 'helping' me by letting me live at his house and that I paid stupid amounts for the privilege? Maybe you did? ...

Did you know that I was a bit 'damaged' and manipulated by your wonderful health system and that I never claimed to be perfect but just marched straight for your dick? I bet you did ... Do you know that I don't really live right and still think of you sometimes and maybe feel your strange lustings? Who the f*ck knows?

I would like to kick yo' corn pone ass then give it a kiss .. My another world completely ... twisted, and deranged and not something I know boy!!! I bet you did!!

Yours Faithfully Doctor Mister John Kenneth Perfectly Aligned With The Right Gods And Special Interest Groups For Now And Then ........... and kiss my ass baybee, I'm off to perve at the Playboy centrefold and smack whose hand? I bet YOU diD!!!

Eat something.

Time for a meal ...
I don't know what I want to eat,
Not chicken ... and not bread,
I don't want a healthy salad thing ..

Greasy stuff? No ......
Soft and white? No ....
Be different and suck it then ... No
Jelly beans and pansified dolmadis, F*CK NOT!!

I don't want chips,
I won't eat the sh*t downstairs,
No noodles, no magnums, no MacflippinDonalds!
I don't want more Dreamy treats either!

You HAVE to eat! Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat!
NO!! Go away!!! Fish 'n' chips, soiled nappies ...
Bacon bits, burger rings, homosexual arse ...
Take a bite and suck on the fame tap baby!!

You are sick and you can die!

So, you are sick?
A bit wayward in the mind ...
But we shall listen for awhile,
Then doubt ... then discard.

The qualified man in the white coat is a sh*thead!
And arrogant! And we are busy and not rich,
But hey, those holidays and the nice car,
And then we save stacks and we ignore.

Too bad for the past mistakes ...
That WE made ... and no, you are fine,
NOT sick .... just 'bad' or stupid,
Go away the family is hugging itself.

Don't tell me I didn't care!
You got gifts from me on a rare day,
I was fair about you, you suckhead!
I poisoned the rest about you too!

I lied about you and bashed ..
Your reputation ... then,
pretended to be a friend,
And said 'let's look for a flat'.

Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck!
The guilty go unpunished,
And the ones who should no better...
Laugh themselves at plays.

'Of course we are close'..
'He is just difficult' ..
And then you leave for others,
And you get sh*tty when you are wrong.

'Attention seeker!'.. 'Always in strife',
'I'm sick of this .. and sick of you!',
'Perhaps the Doctor was right after all?'
'Too bad!!.. You are sick and you can DIE!!'

Eat sh*t and die!!

I don't care that you 'love' me!
'But I love you', you say.
I don't care that you make concessions for me,
I don't want him jailed I am forgiving,
I don't want your monetary 'gift' then silence...
And insults ... and more 'he is bad' stories.
I don't like your BULLSH*T B*TCH!!
I don't want to have to put up with ...
Your secret lustings for me!
I can intuit what you feel at times,
Or else I am going completely bonkers!
I don't care for your perfect manners
And your tidy married Nirvanac tunes.
And then your 'acceptance' of others,
And your possible own gay affair.
The times are changing... we move on.
Bet you knew the score before this,
I bet you were aware of it all ...
And you just pretended to be 'normal'.
Sure, I was a dirty B*tch ...
And I said that your manhood could be in me,
And I would serve your needs happily,
And maybe I did pick up on your sad vibes...
And found you appealing and f*ckable!
And maybe, just maybe you were intrigued ..
By the 'dirty' minded lad without morals,
Who gets shot at in the polite press,
And who has to put up with the taunts,
We are disappointed and MUST ban you!
And beat you with the punishments etc,
Then be sympathetic a little and leave alone,
Don't lock him away, he is 'troubled' etc, etc.
Well F*CK YOU and Eat sh*t and die!! Hugz. x

Family values...

It's Christmas time and we shall remind you,
I am the man and the woman and the others who you knew,
You are suffering and not living so well but nobody's home,
But hey, December the 25th, remember us?
We wiped your bum and we gave you life and we smiled at fetes,
And the camera took the pics of our little group .... that dissolved,
Gone now as you didn't walk a good line, and you told the truth ..
About my violence.. and you were not smiling enough at the 10th gathering.
You looked grim out of beat and you had your own ideas,
We spat acid at you and told others how 'difficult' you were..
YOU ARE!!! Even though we divorced and we ate vegan and we pouted ...
Blandly, with cruelty ... angrily and full of veiled hatreds!!
Come stay ... but be on time.. and follow the rules ... and eat the sh*tty meals!
AND GET THE F*CK OUT OF THE HOUSE! .. LOSER! .... BAD BOY!!! Despicable WHORE!!!
But Hey, it's the 25th of December and your gift shall arrive...
And you shall smile and forget all the crap treatment .... after all,
It was your own fault!!! YOU VARMINT!! Be happy now, for one day ...
And swallow the lies and appreciate our efforts! ......
Then rot in Hell for the next 364!! ....... Perhaps not for your Birthday tho'!
God Bless ..... You sick crap arse LOSERS!!!!!!!!!! x

I do not want the boy in pink...

We are liberated now!
We march as we choose!
We shall soon be tied in two!
And young ones run to the car!
We have fought hard!
We are having a gay Olympics!
We do not accept that you ran!
Join us, be proud, be OUT!
Bisexual? A cover, a front!
Now you are straight? DESTROY!
There are new rules!
New rules for the liberated ones!
The world is happy for us now!
The time for the rainbows is here!
Do you like the eyeliner and Preset funk!
We are militant and eating your world!
We must have our own left, right, lefts!
Choose your man and dance to the tune!
Hip clothes, hip lives, or just me!
Being me, being me, being me!!
The world is yours and you can fly But,
.... 'I' do not want the boy in pink....

The man who was a cat ...

You were slinky..
and watched the quarry from afar,
You snuck up behind,
But were never seen,
You came close,
And breathed heavy and sighed ...
Your lover boy was unaware,
And you kissed him again ...
He read your messy hand,
And quivered and the angry love,
STALKER!! The papers were not kind,
Back to the shadows ..
And your dark alleyways ...
Cringing, down ... outed.
The man who was a cat looked sideways,
And killed with a thought the man who was not.

I want Madonna to take me ...

You are 'gay' he said ...
Join the boys on the Sydney games,
And be proud of you ....
Whatever Sir! ... I dreamt of Madonna,
She was perverse and difficult,
Perhaps the sag in the concert shot was telling,
5 0 my boy ... you must know this!
Still, I want Madonna to take me,
And teach me how to be ruled ... for awhile,
She may undress me and use me on her schedule,
I shall kiss as instructed and not climax first,
She will be angry perhaps and I may cry like a babe,
She may dress me up in her pointed bras and silly attire,
I might be scared and my body may tremble ..... with desire
and with a keen fear of the crazy famous goddesses.

You are 'gay' she said ... remember your identity,
You may marry like Sir Elton and be a double suited frame,
Go in to the world with your male on arm and love him so,
We accept your pink leanings and your 'gayness'!

But I want Madonna to take me ... her music on your stereo?
You must be a man's man .... too right lads! BUTTTTTTTT,
I want Madonna to take me ...
(sotto voce ... and f*ck my brains out!!)

I followed my gut

You cannot trust your instincts!
Says who?
I did not turn right but head back for the mall,
I did not call my Sister as her condescension rang,
The subtlety of gross behaviors gave a hunch,
We will love you again in five don't be precious,
And Jesus said to forgive, forgive, forgive,
Thrash him again and tell how bad his name is,
I did not like the man who gave me sweets and smiled,
He had the right suit on and the choir sang sweetly,
But I felt that he was not the full ticket,
So I gobbled sugary favors and ran, ran away.
Then you lost your phone, and the contact died.
But I felt that maybe there was a purpose,
Perhaps the Universe really does know its ways,
And the fickle lads who bent right then left,
Just may understand more than you about things.
He screamed to the heavens of his love for vice,
But was it really? Did he follow his own drummer?
And you sneered and told more lies ... made it up.
She went from black to green and read other tomes,
And you shook your head and blasted the Gospels,
I don't eat, and then I do, and then I sex it,
And then I pat a dog and leave your ways untouched,
Say 'hello' and bless the fortunes for taking,
Looking right, left, right and voting same,
And denying my words as being true as it was yesterday,
I loved you but you now look wrong with a dirty tie,
You are naked in my arms but your love has lost spice,
As that picture of the boyfriend in fables lost,
Is now on my mind and I have changed ...
But what you said at the altar must live on,
Perhaps ... but I don't feel that good ...
And I am not liking your sad ways and your eyes,
And that slight tic and the unseen and the unspoken.
You give yourself away by silence and a slight ghosting,
You did not say 'away!' I chose ... I fled .... I am gone.
Love the family, but they rotted away....
Be kind to the 'Gods' ... I gave them milk then left,
For good .... on the bus for Brighton ... just so
I could eat any d*mn flavored gelati I wanted right then!
..... sway, sing, love, hate, change, deny, bless ... in no rational order,
I followed my gut... x

The men with the money..

The men with the money made the rules ...
They said 'We run the world' and all shall bow,
Sounds like an Old Testament God image,
What happens if they were wrong?

Women cannot have their own minds and lives,
Why not? Maybe there is a reason why?
I have been beaten by women (in ways),
They spat cruelty ..... but so have men.

The men with the money took out a shotgun,
And pointed at the ones who had the Star ...
We kill you as we do not like your religion,
And our money protects us and sanctifies.

Do you go with the flow? Do you not see rules?
Do you thumb your nose at the men with the money?
And the new breed of women who flout hate around?
Do you obey the laws when the flow intends this?

The paper screamed 'Heath Ledger dies today',
Yet what has this got to do with your life?
Why should the stories of now be that true to you?
Sad, but 10000 black children starved with no text on ...

The men with the money decide who is acceptable,
And who shall be held up high in trophied ways,
Don't dare step out of the shadows with your love on,
And do not leave the group as it will be the next headline.

The men with the money ruled the world ......
But the man without a dollar sign died and gave life ...

Goodbye men with the money ...... Goodbye!! x

You must not say God if you are not in our love

You must not say God,
You must not talk about the love of spirit,
You do not fit in to the good team,
You have a bad attitude and green tresses,
You made love to your Doctor in your head (in joke),
You listened to an album with a goat's head,
You disobeyed your Father who beat you senseless,
You didn't own the right Bible and I am sure ....
That God would not accept you anyway,
As you are unmarried and unwashed and defiled,
You loved the man who was somebody's Grandad,
And you told the world how good it felt,
And how it lasted and continued on,
That group shot out a Fatwa,
And that 'team' sold cakes for charity,
But had crystal vases in the rectory,
.... but God loves them more ...
More than you, who are not blessed,
And more than you who is undressed...
You must NOT say God if you are not in our love,
YOU MUST NOT!!!!

I am on death row ....

I killed twenty nine people,
I hate someone's head,
I wss the nice man in the suit who killed daughters,
and sons, and mothers and the elderly,
I bashed and I raped and I molested,
And I ate his kidney stone and I bled from the mouth,
You hate me and the world wants an end now!!
I am am locked in a tiny cell and I rot,
And eat crap food and have dumb lawyers ...
Who yell for a reprieve and 'more time'.
Of course I should die,
Avenge the twenty nine people,
And their families,
Vomit up the head that I ate,
With the brussel sprouts and beans,
And then, as they shove the injection in,
Ask yourself this .....
'How the hell did he become this way?',
Could life have played a hand?,
The rules that said 'you must not love a boy',
The cruelty of the children in playground games,
Or a heart that was hard from the start ...
For some explicit reason ....
Go ahead and kill the monster then,
But never forget the pain ...... R.I.P.

What if God still loves the Paedophiles?

Ever heard the joke, 'What's the best part about f*cking twenty-eight year olds?'
Answer: There's twenty of them.
It is bad, it is dirty, it is wrong .... but it is P*ss take funny shite!!! Ha he ha ...
What if God still loves the Paedophiles? They are SICK!!! KILL THEM!!! But what if God still loves the Paedophiles?
They should be shot! NOW!! What if that strange, twisted man cannot truly help his love for the underage girls ... or boys. What if the lady schoolteacher just cannot help loving her student? What if they can't help it!?? Lock 'em up, the children are in danger!!! Maybe they are in danger!??
When I was a child I wished that some adult would get fresh with me ... I wanted to be touched and love and I didn't feel that strange really .... oh sure, the sex scene from 'Billy Bathgate' made me go red when I watched it at the friend's house. Sex can be silly... PROTECT THE CHILDREN!!!! GET OUT THE F*CKING GUNS NOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
Hate, hate, kill, kill, destroy, destroy, destroy!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT .... What if God still loves the Paedophiles? What then peoples?

Will you pay to love me?

Hookers are bad,
Gigolos are gonna get HIV,
Especially the gay ones ..
I gotta say,
I don't wanna do it with all,
He too fat, she too gross,
They are leathered and vomitous,
You put me out with your crap,
And your 'needs' and lovers,
Dress right, look clean,
And stand on the street corner,
The money is great and big piles,
But you tell me right ... I am sick.
why would you keep up the game?
Keep on gagging on someone's spit,
Why not say 'No' and look for the one,
or ones who give you the best you want,
For no money ..... hey! Love for free,
And be sure that you want it too.
She/He really DOES turn me on .... REALLY!
Still, I would get naked with the Doc... (probably)
And after the climax turn to his happy smile
And say ... 'Will you pay to love me?'

Reaching the end...

Am sick of the door banging,
I don't use a Whirlpool, dirty dacks,
U and your 'I paid $2000'.. ye gads!!
My boy is nine u say, wife gone,
Talk about the dirty lady mags ... cos I have one,
Well so f*cing wot soldier. I ate cock for years,
I don't care that you won't buy me good sh*t,
And say 'I accept people of different sexual orientations',
It sounds cruddy and not very rock 'n' roll,
I don't give a d*mn if yo' Dad says I pleasured him,
And I will tell you honestly that I would eat Madonna's p*ssy,
And you can say I hated fags but we like the parade now,
And I will suck Sharon Stone's tit in front of you ..
Then dream about the man who nears the nursing home,
And how I want to ride him .... and ride him ...
You are sick lad, you are not a nice man .... d*mn right!
You are an animal and crazed and bent ... suck insight!
I'm reaching the end ... prepared to be destroyed,
But who said so? Perhaps God shall smile and say 'Wait' ...

Sex ...

Magazines, bad porn, Britney flashes the goods,
Internet sleaze, and promises of babes who put out,
And you should like the big breasted blonde,
Real men do and they grope her and look bleary,
Bored .... I fled from the pick up sites,
And I don't look intently and the right dressed ups,
I don't want a contemptuous frown and the park stays dark,
No-one says 'U r hot and we should get down and dirty',
Thanks God for that? But sometimes I wish they would,
Someone appropriate, a hot lady who can teach me,
Someone's Dad in a suit who will unzip and look guilty,
Riding high on the Doctor's lap, it is wrong boy,
Kissing the Nun sideways with slop then ride the priest.
Of course it is wrong, of course you will go to Hell and B-a0d!!!
But I want it .................S E X ................

Mastu'bating

'tis a dirty word and I don't want to hear you say it,
sliding up my pole, working a while and looking for an image of lust,
'tis always the same, no one maybe guess but I want the old boy,
and he gives it and the crowd cheers and I feel like an opposite of man,
But hey there is not bruising to the ego, the heat remains and I tug ...
and tug .... and explode...........

Be wrong, be bad, be blessed ....

U no wot it's like when u want 2 b yo' best,
And u wont 2 c yo' famly smile and say u blessed,
But u can't follow the rulz and u r not going right,
U have but 1 in yo' heart and he be terrbly tight,
Be wrong, be bad, be blessed, Jesus still he smile,
And u shall be on top in head for some a l'il while...

Christmas is 4 d*ckheads

i hate tinsel
i hate the baby jesus ... well not really but still
i hate all that Aunty S something sends love and xmas stuff
Who da f*ck ... well you can xpect a phone call from dads
and mums ... who da f*ck, i is on a bender and don't eat
and i wanna have sex with the wrong type ... apparently
U see, I can't claim to love God cos i is not good enuff
U shall not be wid us in da heavens cos you kissed him and smiled
Christmas is 4 d*ckheads ... that sounds kinda harsh I s'ppose
U can do all that present stuff and eat turkey and crap toffees
U have my blessing and love even tho' i think u are jerkified
[ut the baby back in the manger and go enjoy yo' empty prize
Merry Christmas and keep a smile on, u may as well ....

(And a big hug and sweaty, gropey kiss to John .... Hell can wait ... loving thee)

Why Nazis would have shot or gassed me...

I drift ... and I pleasure myself ... maybe too much,
I don't work like the normal folk,
And I don't care about the sign at the kebab shop,
Workers wanted, be experienced blah blah blah,
I camp it up, I dance awkwardly to the Divas,
And spin like a girlie boyish gal,
And I read Playboy and jack off to an old man,
And I tell the world and blaspheme cos I can,
I am a mental case, apparently, one Doc said,
And the other guy who frowns, I gave him head.
I have a Jewish name and I like gypsy beats,
Aushwitz, Treblinka, Dachau, Ravensbruck he bleats,
I would 'ave been shot by swastika studs,
And shoved me tongue down Hitler's duds,
But I would 'ave fought and bashed some heads,
The German lads laid in their beds ........... and fck 'em 'til they stop DA SHITE!!

In memory of the 6 million who ... God knows why ... went heavenwards ...

I Hate Everything

I hate you ... and
I hate the yellow sun, it bites ...
I hate that car that sped when I crossed ...
I hate the b*tch at the shop, she didn't ...
I hate the stain on my polo, idiot ...
I hate the rules and a family wish ...
I hate tomorrow and I hate Yiddish ...
I hate those goons who flew to towers ...
I hate the States and white ass power...
I HATE HATE!!!

Thank you Dublin

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Give Lawrence Springborg a go!

I rarely vote for Conservative parties. To be honest, I am not a big fan of the Labor party either, (Australia), but one thing I will say about politics, after living in Queensland, is that I think that one Lawrence Springborg deserves a chance at being Premier of Queensland.

He may not always be perfect in his speech and he often gets shot at by the Premier, Anna Bligh for his less than perfect language at times. But one thing I will say about Mister Springborg is that he is a good man and has his heart in the right place.

When I was having problems getting medical treatment, it was Mister Springborg's office who offered assistance. When I was having trouble with the Australian media and their attacks on my private life at times, it was Mister Springborg's office who offered me a hand.

And do you know why I am so impressed by the Springborg team's assistance? Largely because my problems and issues were way out of the conservative zone. I was reported as being a 'homosexual' and somewhat of a trouble maker but the Springborg office still gave me time and listened to my story.

I will be forever grateful that Mister Springborg wrote to then Labor Ministers on my behalf and I knew from that occasion that this is a man who is big enough to straddle both sides of the political fence.

He has a goodness about him and reminds me a bit of Barack Obama. I think that Lawrence has sound ethics and a good attitude to life. Sure, his mouth runs away with him at times ... Pinocchio indeed Sir. But Lawrence is the man, I'm sure of that!

May God bless the Springborgs and may Lawrence be the next Premier of Queensland.

The Warwick Rodeo and why it still matters.

I used to live in a town called Warwick in rural Queensland, Australia. They hold an annual Rodeo here and it is an important event for the town; it highly regarded in Rodeo circles being Australia's Rodeo in many respects.

Of course, there are always questions about the treatment of animals in Rodeos and many are outraged, perhaps rightly at times, about possible cruelty.

I don't want to enter in to a debate about the cruelty of animals at Rodeos; I have probably said enough as it is on the subject.

What I want to focus on is the importance of events like the Warwick Rodeo for the health of rural communities. It is a coming together of people, a meeting place and a community of like-minded folk. There is a certain family aspect concerning events like Rodeos and it is a special quality that needs to be respected.

I am aware that Rodeos are under threat by activists and animal rights advocates but I pray that they never quash the spirit of these events. I do not personally believe that all Rodeo events are detrimental to the health and well-being of the stock used. I have witnessed with my own eyes and have been impressed how well rural peoples treat their horses, cattle and such.

I have been a very angry young man for years now and my reason for visiting the Warwick Rodeo on one occasion was not a good one. I wanted to perhaps pick a fight with the Chief Steward there, Doctor John Kiss, and, thankfully, my aggressive nature calmed itself, largely thanks to the friendly Rodeo people I met.

Yes, there is drink here, and there are fights, but there is also a great deal of brotherhood and much respect and I was touched by how natural and at peace the crowds were. It was a good time and even though my behavior still got me in to trouble that weekend, I was moved by the fellowship of this event.

May God always bless the Warwick Rodeo, because it still matters.

Saving Families

Do you know what I don't always like about this modern world of ours? The devaluing of families. There will always be problems with conservative models. Maybe they outdate themselves at times. But the principles behind the family unit are timeless.

I have to admit that I have a big mouth at times and I say many controversial things on the Internet. I was a famous blogger on Madonna's website for awhile and got 'spanked' on occasion for being loud. Some did not like this about me.

I have talked a lot on this website about a man that I think the world of. His name is Doctor John Kiss and from spending some time with this man I feel that he is probably a man with strong family values.

Before I talk more about John, I just wanted to say something about my own family. I never had them and I grew up in another family unit and often felt angry that I wasn't able to know my own family. I still miss my parents, my Dad especially.

I grew up in rural Queensland in Australia and admired some of the men who lived in my community. Identities such as Queensland opposition leader, Lawrence Springborg and the abovementioned Doctor John Kiss figured highly in my esteem. But I knew that I could never be quite like them.

I'm not someone who is fond of political division and I avoid labels and extremist values where possible. I think that most people are complicated on some level and I think this should be respected.

I am always going to be an outsider in some ways I think but I will say this. I am not ashamed of who I am and am proud of my unique qualities and my views on life.

So it is without shame that I admit that I had a strong love for my former Doctor, John Kiss. I admit that I behaved badly in regards to him and I did not show him proper respect always. But one thing I never forgot during these last few years is the fact that I never wanted to be a problem for John and his family.

I may have to spend a life of sadness when it comes to my love for this man. I don't strictly accept the label of 'homosexual'. I think it is an incomplete term. And my regard for Doctor Kiss was not always rooted in physical passion. I felt a brotherhood with him and I miss his warmth and his care.

I think that we have a duty to protect families in this ever changing world. I guess I will do my bit by keeping my distance from John and respecting his choices and his family life. It breaks my heart because I saw him as a valued friend and someone I could confide in. Maybe I was mistaken but I loved him.

May God always bless your family and may we all have the peace and comfort of a loving family.

I don't want to be reasonable

I don't want to live in a white house ... with a nice polite fence.
I don't want to see my children graduate with honors and magnum cum laude.
I don't love you and you know it, you are false and taste like cheap candy.
I don't mind if you drag me through the courts and tell the media .. but you fear.

I am not reasonable and I do not always join the dots and follow the rules.
I have not got a degree in the world of sh*t achievements and I don't vaccinate rats.
I'm not interested in your crap values and your loving kindnesses, NOT INTERESTED!
I may not be polite with your husband if I like him and I may tell him the truth.

I don't care if you say that I am 'ill' or 'crazy' or 'too weird for words'.
I could look like your son; I do not pierce or tattoo or color bits or go 'bad'.
I am not always clean shaven and I don't always dispose of the yellowed tissues.
I must forgive and let go of the past and be 'reasonable'.... but I'm not .... always.

I lost my parents as a kid.

They didn't care .... not really.
They had better things to do.
No child for us, we are busy, and in a different world.
Go cope and be emotionally balanced when you hit 21.

Don't blame us for failing, you don't have the right to be p*ssed off!
We were from the London scene ... it was the love groupers turn.
You must not say that we were wrong or out of touch.
You are a child of the gutter ..... a throw away piece of garbage!

And other people will look after you, congratulate them!
So, you ended up hating their guts and hating their deceit.
They lied to you for years about the truth.
But that is O.K. That is normal, you should love them!

And now you rot in poverty and don't really cope so well,
You don't work and eat sh*tty food.
You have lived on the streets and have been kicked.
Go away ...... go f*ck a tree! The End.

Merry Christmas Doctor Kiss

I am not allowed to wish my favorite Doctor a Merry Christmas to his face as I have been accused of 'stalking' him. I love the guy fiercely and I can't help this. Alright, so I am called 'sick' and a 'freak' and 'weird' but I don't care one d*mn about this! I love you Jonathon Kiss and I don't mind if you kick my ass because of it! Love Dave..... and Merry Christmas to you and your family too.

What is at about Doctor John Kenneth Kiss from Warwick .....

He works at the Condamine Medical Center and seems to be well liked.
I wanted to taunt him and give him a thrash.
He is kinda dorky looking but hell, dorky can sure hits the spot lads!
I wouldn't disrespect his family and would call the lady Misses Kiss.... maybe.

It all seems kind of crap you know. Be polite and mind yo' manners!
And don't like the married man, it isn't a nice way to behave.
But I do like the married man and the cops can keep beating the cr*p out of me!
Besides, I think that the stubbie half leggers have to go, so I'd rip 'em off.

Jonathon, look me in the eye ..... and smile a bit more. Go on man!
Now bow for the cameras and keep on shovelling yo' sh*t... we likes that boy.
You are respectful and you are a nicely positioned role modeler.
And I just wanna mess yo' hair up and rip the degree in half.

I am truly sorry for my rumored violence, I might have smacked you a bit.
And called you 'boy' and got you to bow low. Then I would have picked you up.
And hugged you to me, and been sweet and humble and kissed you with a purpose.
And taken you to paradise and given it up and spanked it bigalow!

But you said 'No!' (when you mean 'way yes!', a guys loins don't lie J. boy!)
Sexy B*stard!! x

You can't love a tyrant.

You can't love a hard man,
He will crush you to the silt,
You can't love a braggard,
In a time of hatred's guilt.

I love a tyrant and I don't mind that he 'kills',
I love a hard man and he filled me full of pills.
My hat stayed put but but should have hit the floor,
I want to grope his privates and act out like a whore.

F*ck you poem for rhyming, I'll feed you to the dogs,
And kick the sh*t out of the verbs, your crap will fall like logs,
I'm gonna rip his clothes out and tell him how to moan,
And stick it to the faggots who only want a loan.

Then bounce his kiddies on my lap and eat the wifey's tush,
Whacking asses leather, the tyrant's bloody bush,
Punish me Doctor Kiss Arse and lead me to the brink,
And I will grab you with both hands and suck them Nature's drink.

You can't love a hard man,
He will crush you to the silt,
You can't love a braggard,
My bad ass has not wilt.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Marching to a different tune

I don't want to carry the small box with the lid,
I certainly do not want to be on a float,
You are in love with the Earth, go bore him,
Nuclear power sounds erotic at times, spank me.

I do not claim to know much about all,
I am small and do not worry so,
Your democratic drivel sounds fun,
But I may cosy up to Dubya anyway.

I am not in need of respect, not now,
But may take the medal with your claps,
There to eat the canapes that is all,
You can write something dumb, I'll swallow.

You do not really work that hard, not really,
It is all a paradigm. You sweat and the band plays on,
Then you march to the pub's tune with you mates,
And talk about the usual bulls*it!

I don't care if my verse doesn't flow,
Today I am looking for the rocks,
I want to see if the boats will crash,
And I shall keep on being perverse.

I don't want to carry the small box with the lid,
I certainly do not want to be on a float,
You are in love with the Earth, go bore him,
I shall hate you forever and love you behind your back.

Old friends

You should not hate a friend,
This is not possible anyway,
A friend is about love,
The others can be turned away.

I read Hunter S. Thompson,
And gagged at the filth,
I didn't get the legend bit,
And just felt sick, and wan.

What would I know about life?
A friend said to read Mr T,
And I did, and I choked,
A friend indeed, No, no, no!

My friends visited me in sickness,
I did not wish for them to do so,
I was weak with the sweats and visions,
And they patronized and felt good (?).

I do not wish to live forever,
I don't want care if I get awards,
You like me? Big deal ... but
Come closer so I may hug you anyway.

Old friends are never really old,
And they won't let you down,
And they won't give you the sh*ts!
But maybe I am too expectant.

I value my pals, and my buddies,
My friends are close to my heart,
But don't try to change me or be spitting,
The door may be closed but I shall call ends.

I refuse to be gay ..... I just want to be in love.

I don't want your marches,
And your rights and your anger,
I don't care for rainbows much..
Anyway.

I don't hate you, I am not angry,
I think your nakedness can be shameful,
I think your demands can be tiresome..
Yavoh!

I don't want to be put in a box,
Buried underground ... on fire,
I don't want to sing you silly tunes..
La de da da da.

I don't care for a label,
And I don't want to part of it,
I hate communities ..
Sometimes.

I would rather talk of him,
In the middle of the wilderness,
And keep on 'blaspheming'..
Forever.

May God bless you always ..
But leave the tract in the bin,
And stay away from my daughters ..
Suns.

Why do you not eat son?

You write and do not pay attention,
You smile jauntily at the laborers below,
You stick a tongue up the arse of life,
And blow a bubble and smile a little.

Why do you not eat son?
Why do you poke a nose at the lessons?
And skip sideways back to the other?
Then smile lazily at the naked Goddess.

You do not listen to the older man,
Why should you when he laments?
Why take his path when he has lost,
He wishes to die, you do not need it..

And yet you dream .... and sigh aloud,
To think of him, and touch his breadth,
To hear his sigh and not cage a guilt,
There is no victim or whipped soul.

You are free and you may dance with all,
And keep smiling through idylls of grace,
Keep reaching for that which is 'bad',
And keep living in the full blast of truth...

Why do you not eat son?
Because I prefer to be in love!

But he beat you ....

His anger was hard and it came like a thunderclap,
He read what you stated and snarled loudly,
You had undressed him in his own office,
You had been raw and physical and gruff.

He said 'No!'... he censured you and said so,
The armies descended and cut your retreats,
John Kiss was direct and emphatic and cold,
He wanted discipline for you and you just moaned.

You can not say what you please, but you did.
You can not force your lovemaking on him ...
But you did this and you pushed his limits,
You cannot hold John in tender arms and bless ...

John Kenneth Kiss is not a man you toy with,
He is strong and has influence and is lionized.
But even the walls of Jericho fell? Behind thee!
What vanity and ego, yet still you advanced!

Oh 'sinful' lad, you walked straight to him,
You looked at him, straight in the iris,
You were manly and unaffected and natural,
And you reached your arms and enveloped John.

He saw that you were not full of anger and lust,
He saw that the carnal facts were a cover,
A cover for your pain and your ineptitude,
And, at last, he smiled and was Fatherly to you.

Then your dreams were all true and he loved,
There was no desperate hiding and vaults,
He kissed you strongly in the full sunlight,
And helped you in to a state of natural life.

And your passions did not untwist with regrets,
Your longings were all sated and the air was fragrant,
The world smiled again and there was not anger there,
The lovers were championed and they filled the light.

I love you Doctor John Kenneth Kiss ...
And always shall.

Why not give up on love?

Why not give up on love?
They will continue to shoot at you!
They will have dark faces and a hearse...
Why not give up on love?

You don't really know him and besides ...
He is a 'He'!! Not good, not good ...
Don't you know that they gassed the gays?
And Hitler nailed pink to their cross!?

Why not give up on love?
Take your heart and vanilla slice it!
Bury it in a cellophane wrapped dream..
That belongs to your parents.

You cannot love a man who is not in line,
He is busy with his life and his own needs,
He does not know you, he cannot help,
You shall burn with the other Dachau men.

NO I SHALL NOT!! I do not care if I lack strength,
I don't want to be Hercules and Mr World,
I am happy to cry over the bleeding heart,
And I am happy to keep smiling at John.

Doctor John Kenneth Kiss ... he is a man of standing,
He holds the Warwick community on his shoulders,
The Rodeo thanks him with wreaths and awards,
He continues to march with muscled suns.

He does, he does .. and I shall love him more,
He is naked in my arms and I kiss his brow,
He turns to me and I do not reject his need,
I do not need to own his inheritance, his grace.

I don't mind if you throw history at me,
The Germans killed the gays ... I'm not,
Sydney marches with the pride ... I don't,
The world turns and changes ... I smile.

I don't need to fit in to the boxes,
I am not beating down the doors,
Shouting my needs and my hunger,
I do not demand love but wait...

I shall be patient and trust the heavens,
I shall smile at the snares and wink,
I shall look up faithfully at him ...
And love Doctor John Kenneth Kiss.

Did you not favor Glen?

What about the man from Bondi?
With his experience and his successes,
What about the man from Bondi?
He could display the world as a show.

Ah yes, but he was not warm,
And he did not ask about me,
He did not! He was cold,
And he was absent and lost?

What about the man from Bondi?
He had the right people with cameras,
He leant in his tailored suit and smiled,
The angles were perfect and coiffed.

Ah yes, but there was no natural there,
It was well organized and perfectly now,
He had a good address and on song pals,
He was Mister schmick and so loverly.

What about the man from Bondi?
What about him?

Doctor Kiss is the hard b*stard that I love!



Sometimes you get to a stage in your life when the criticisms do not mean anything.
You are 'difficult', you are 'impossible', you are 'a bad person'...

So be it, I can live with this! So, I am difficult, impossible and bad!
I know that I am obsessive at times and of course 'unreasonable'!

Who is Doctor Kiss you might ask and why should I care!?
The point is that it does not matter ... not at all .. N-O-T!!

I don't blog for you, I don't seek your approval and your liking,
My blogging is for my benefit and I am happy if it goes unnoticed.

It is my hobby and it is my diversion... I do not belong to the world.
Well, yes and no .... perhaps a little and perhaps not at all!

So, back to my own self-indulgence and my own musings...
Back to my own self-obsessed world ... back to the man I love.

Doctor John Kenneth Kiss .... He is a world beater some say.
Tough, manly, a 'real' man... sons take note, he is Good!

Why do I love him? And maybe 'indecently' too? Not sure really!?
It makes no sense ... love often makes no sense...

But so what? I don't demand that this world has to fit in place,
And be tidy .... and be right .... and be lovely and 'perfect'.

I trust my heart! Is it full of 'evil'? God knows.
Love does not feel bad to me ... it does not!

The world has said that I am 'mad' and then changed it to 'bad'.
But this is irrelevant to me, I worry not about such things.

I would never have chosen to love a man such as John,
It would have never been a choice that I would have blessed.

He is older and more worldly than I and he is looked up to,
Perhaps he deserves this admiration, perhaps?

I don't see a community leader and a respectable 'Sir',
I just see a beautiful person that has captured my heart.

When he gives a speech and sounds righteous and proud,
I see him naked and as helpless as a child, I see innocence.

He is a family man, he is an 'upright soul' and a 'winner',
But what a waste! The right thing must be done of course! Of course!?

Do not listen to the 'wicked', undisciplined one ... the man of passions!
He will only lead your life in to the flames ... a solid, hard ending!

Whoop de doo! So he slipped a little. So, he let me hug him warmly.
He still wore the ring and I didn't try to steal him away!

I did not say ... leave the children and revel in a 'sinful' path.
I did not say ... reject your wife and refuse to turn to her again.

I simply offered to hug him and to undress him for awhile, to love him.
But this is the way of the 'devil'! Perhaps? But it is still life.

I wished for him to call out in ecstasy and to make furrows in the skin,
He would not be 'taken' for eternity .... but perhaps I stray from the path.

Maybe I do want him and perhaps I would not allow him to be free from the embrace,
And perhaps he would be conflicted and torn and not happy .... Not true!

Life is a mystery and it does twist and it does turn and I do not feel that it is bad
I do not feel that my love for John is wrong or in any way 'incorrect', it is true.

I shall continue to think of him and I shall continue to long and want him.
And I shall smile at the fire in my body and the beatings of life .... and love.

John Kiss is the man I love and the world shakes it head in anger. NO MORE!!
But I shall not listen to the rants! Lead me to the woodpile and the noose ...

Still I smile, still I call for John and still I imagine him naturally.....
Doctor John Kenneth Kiss ... You are in my heart ... and I shan't say 'Sorry'!!

I love Doctor John.

I don't care if I am repetitive,
I don't mind if this all remains unread.
This does not worry me.

The world calls me 'gay' but I don't know what this is really.
I am not hung up on the fact that I love a man.
And you can read this and I shall not mind.

His name is John and I think he is beautiful!
Sure, he is hard and world weary and 'in charge'.
That is how he is raised I should think.

He is older than I am, and 'respectable'.... apparently?
And I shall love him and not care what the world says.
It is silly and vain and pointless ..... Perhaps?

I love Doctor John and maybe he does not love me?
But I bet he does .... in a way .... yes.
I bet I could still make him smile with my games.

It is wrong, it is wrong, it is wrong, it is wrong!
Of course it is wrong! But not to me!
You should not love a man who is married...

But I don't know for sure that he is married,
He has no feeling for you, you are mistaken.
I don't even care if so, I still love him!

My family treats me from a distance,
Maybe it is because I love Doctor John?
My roommate questions me and chides me.

Maybe the world responds to my love,
Responds badly and with anger,
Responds with judgement and ire.

But I do not care, not at all!
I love Doctor John... I love him.
It makes no sense they may say!

Be a decent man and find a life!
Do not deviate from being 'normal'.
Look for a wife to be yours...

But I do not want to ... I do not!
Because I love Doctor John.
I love and I love and I love.

The noisy world.

Do you hear the chanting?
Do you hear the way he says ...
'I kicked the field goal!'

Do you see her purring over wedding gowns...
In full view of her friends,
He shall be mine .. mine .. mine!

Oh Yes, this is good!
Oh Yes, this is what is right!
Oh Yes, this is what must be!

The noisy world ... on and on.
Why not choose another path then?
Why not be a little quiet for once?

Why not question what he says is right?
And what she said must not happen!?
Why not politely say 'F*ck You'!?

I am still waiting for God's thunderbolt,
The 'crimes' and 'misdemeanors',
They have not been punished.

How long can the heart survive?

The world is changing ...
He is now giving Joe the ring for life.
And she is following suit ... with Joanne.

I may scratch my head but I don't care what they do.
My heart does not want this type of 'dream'...
I saw the 'other' story that my parents gave ...

I saw anger and frustration and arguing ..
I did not see much love there.
This is marriage .. do NOT question!

So which direction should I take?
Which direction should you take?
Perhaps you should ask your heart? .... Perhaps.

You do not trust me - why not?

I do not trust you because you spewed your hatred at me yesterday with no 'sorry'.
I do not trust you because you shared the chocolate snacks with the others.
I do not trust you because you became my best friend when there was no-one else.
I do not trust you because you shout how you do not trust anyone, no-one at all!

I send you love but I do not trust you.

Why do I feel?

Why do I hate her for being selfish?
Because she threw the newborn in to the flames.
This is wrong... I trust my feelings.

Why do I love him after he said 'No' to my advance?
Because I know deep inside that we are connected.
And I feel a love and do not hate this.

How do I know not to open this email?
How do I know that the path to the courts is wrong?
Why do I smile at him and feel his climax still?

My feelings are a mystery ... this is sure .. this is sure.
But I trust them. They guide me and I feel safe there.
They are not true ... they do not lie, they are rock.

Could I be mistaken in this? Possibly?
But I still like them and I still favor them.
I like to be love with a vision ... an image?
And I feel it inside me and I give thanks.

When you fall in love.

When you fall in love .... do you see only the vision of your love?
Is it riddled with mistakes and misguided pictures?
Did you not know that he secretly hated the way your hair fell backwards?
Did you not know that she had a love for Hitler but never shared?

When you fall in love ... will you give yourself permission to fall ...
out of love? You are allowed to be mistaken and you are allowed to be wrong too..
Changing your mind is acceptable you know ...
But it can still be hard ... hard to change ... and move away ... to find another.

I love him. I know that he is a pig. I know that he is a brute. A b*stard!
But he was kind, and he was gentle, and he listened, and he was true.
Does your heart know what it wants? Does it trust its own guidance?
But I do not love the angry, ugly face. Perhaps that is not he?

We behave as we are taught ..... or so it seems. Do we know what we are inside?
What we really love? What we really need? What we really long for?
You are wrong! You must not feel this way. You must not be like this.
I must punish myself for being wrong... and misguided, and stupid.

Or you can take another path. A strange and magical and mystical path.
You can trust your heart's longing. You can give it permission and smooth it over.
You can have your dreams and cry for the beloved. You can tell the world to F*ck Off
It may lead in circles ... it may cut you mercilessly ... you may cry ... and die?

I trust love .... I choose to hear my heart's ways ... and I smile for the mystery.
It hurts sometimes but I search for the song with meaning, and I listen to it.
I remember his smile and I remember his animation and I recall his kindness.
And I choose to love him, he does not love you, he does not love you!!

I choose to love.

The difference of people's worlds ...

The Polish man says he hates the black man .... or does not trust? or does not like?
But it seems like a stupid sort of hatred.... I don't understand it... a visually based hatred?

I hate my mother. My mother abandoned me. I was not to be part of her world. It was not acceptable. So I was abandoned. But the world says that she did the right thing ... so she is given a subtle nod. What a B*TCH!!!

The straight man hates the gay man and the gay woman deveins the lady in veiled white. I don't hate any of them.... but perhaps that is not really true. Maybe I do hate them?

How do you see the world? Do you see different races and places and faces and incomes and status and degrees of education? Or do you trust what happens within? Your feelings and instincts and insights and longings and hunches and inner keys.

But the manual says to turn right so I must obey! But my Father said I must love her to the end of time so I cannot go with the tempting youth with the bulging pockets.

The church said it was wrong .... they were adamant! They said that it was WRONG!! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG .... God has said .... W-R-O-N-G!

.... I saw the snow colored hare .... he disappeared in to the ground ... and I followed .... and I did not turn around ..... I did not return to the old ways and I did not return to the 'normal' world. I DID NOT!

Am I dying today?

I do not wish to eat today ...
My heart is in its angry spin ..... today,
I have changed today,
My roommate informs me of this.

I am angry... today.
I hate my family.
I hate the lies.
I hate the searching for music ...
It does not arrive.

I have no real job and live in a hotel.
But I am not that unhappy ... not really.
It is a quiet life.
Perhaps I shall be on the streets in a short time.

But so what ...
Am I dying today? Of course.

This is how a man behaves...

This is how a man behaves.
He speaks his mind.
He is in charge.
He chooses a lady ... he chooses.
Maybe there is a 'dowry'? (it can come in all forms my friend.)
He performs his role.
He works hard.
He breaks his child's spirit ..
... because he is a man.

This is how a man behaves.

Bisexuality

I slept with a man ... my body wanted this. Maybe my spirit wanted it too?
I turned and saw the lady of beauty. She was milken skinned and lovely to behold.

But I did not go with the lady. I did not talk to her and I did not feel her aura ... not really.

If she had come to me and tapped me on the shoulder and asked for comfort then I would have gone with her .... quite likely. I would have allowed her to be in charge ...

I returned to the man and did not like his vain chat. He had changed .... he had morphed. He was not the same man.

'Why did you look at the lady of beauty?'... 'You should only bow to the Mars world'. I told him to 'F**k Off!' and he simpered for a moment.

'I don't follow rules Nick', Catherine said ... 'I just go with the flow' ...

I want that man but don't call me 'gay'.

I love John... it is a 'bad' thing ... the people have spoken ... it is 'bad' and I am 'bad' ... but I shan't drop the italics as I refuse to believe it.

Maybe I am twisted ..... and maybe I am difficult .... and maybe I am different ..... but so what!?

My Mother says that I am 'difficult' but who cares what she thinks. I questioned her about her dodgy decision to adopt me. I said that she and her husband did it to protect the reputation of her sister ... that is my mother. How embarrassing to have an illegitimate child in the 1970's. This must NOT happen. Oh Lordy no! Don't tell the truth.

I have been angry at the lies and angry at the deceit. My health has suffered ... possibly ... but who gives a d*mn what psychiatrists say. You need a tablet and a protective locked door.... you need more therapy.

No, I need to be myself. That is enough. Being 'gay' is a shame .... it is accepted now, the century has changed .... we like you now! Don't give me that crap, I don't care for your 'likings'. I am not 'gay' or GAY or gay or G-A-Y. I am not hiding. I have slept with men ... I did not feel guilt ... not a lot ... as I liked it.

But I like Monica Bellucci and I like Carole Bouquet and I like Britney Spears in the nude and I wanted to sleep with Madonna. I have no reason to make this up. I don't really care what you think of me. I AM NOT GAY!!! But if the world says, that is not acceptable then I shall not roll over and die.

I love John... it is a 'bad' thing ... the people have spoken ... it is 'bad' and I am 'bad' ... but I shan't drop the italics as I refuse to believe it.

I am a 'stalker'.

I am a 'stalker'.
I fall in love .... and I fall ... and I fall.
I am a 'stalker'.

I don't want his life ... not really. I just want him to smile my way ... and accept my hug and my 'crazy', parentless longings.

I just want him to say 'you are O.K. and I don't hate you for your attentions'. Would it be more acceptable if wanted a lady ..... and not a man.

No ... because I am a 'stalker'.

Strange, dark, twisted, freaky, unpleasant, ardent, unforgiving and a stalker.. (put the lot in italics.)

I don't want to be a real man!

I like looking a pictures of naked women in Playboy sometimes ... but I probably won't tug myself over them. My mind seems to enjoy the same fantasy over and over again when I pleasure myself ... having love with an old man. THAT IS SO F*CKING WARPED!!, he says.

But I do not care. THAT IS SO UNHOLY AND WRONG, the churches lament... but I do not care.

I don't like the taste of beer. Drink with the boys in the pub. Nope! A gay man offers me a beer ... I drank it (stupidly?) but I didn't like the taste... and I didn't like him really. He was welcoming and said I could return and laughed with his buddy on the phone.

I am cranky and I am reveling in Britney Spear's tunes ... for a short time. I get gooey over the whole word and world of Balenciaga. I don't own any, I just like to think that I am loved and glamorous and elitist ... but not for long.

I daydream of the man in the suit and want to push his wife in the sludge. He can be mine for now .... but not for long. Maybe the wife could pay me to be her toy boy ... but not now.

I like ACDC ... but they suck for being so d*mn everywhere! I hate my roommate; he is a pretend Nazi at times and calls himself Bruno, but then he gives me chocolates and cookies and I like him ... but not for long. I wanted him at first ... but not for long.

I would like to be Madonna's younger lover and touted as the 'stud who satisfies the Queen', but not for long. I want to piss allover my family and tell them what phonies they are ... I don't care if they hate me for calling my mother a b*tch (bitch). It is in the dictionary .... it says 'spiteful woman'. She has been and I think she is f*cking awful ... but not for long .... hopefully.

I'm too lazy to get married or not the type or not interested or don't smell right for a woman to want to get hitched with me. You will smell right only to a gay, bulbous eyed lover from Haight-Ashbury .... I meant Castro Street. F*ckin' Oxford, the guy is an Aussie for Chr*st's sake! .... but not for long?

I don't want to be a real man. I like my 'despicable' (note italics) fantasies about the married man. Of course I want to take him to bed and love his scent and his angry passions .... but not for long?

I'm not a real man .... I'm an unreal man ..... I'm just a man... for long ... (?)

Eating steak.

The steaks downstairs cost $5 on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. You get salad and a roll with that and you have to cook your own meat. It is cheap and I rarely have lots of money.

But I don't often want the $5 steak. I don't like the whole hotel and pub vibe from downstairs. I don't care if I am not a real man and I really do not want to drink your beer. Hating it!

I don't want to put shoes on and I want to wear my thongs wherever I choose and I don't give a stuff about your dress code.

I don't want your $5 steak and I don't want your beady eyed barmaids and your uptight overseas workers and their angry faces. I can't always understand the accents and I say so.

You can shove your $5 steak up your a*s and then maybe I will throw you on the barbeque for looking too closely at the vacancy book. Studying it ... perhaps I shall be thrown out on the street. And perhaps I will barbeque your pansified face on the hot plate and charge $5 for every slice to the general public.

I don't want your $5 steak ....... bore someone else with your 'specials'. It could cost $1000 a steak and I would still feel the same. I HATE YOU!

God bless.

Promiscuity.

Have you ever been promiscuous? (If you are under 16 years of age then STOP READING NOW!!!) Yeah, like that's going to work ....

I don't want to poison the world. I don't want to add to the woes. No.

I did go through a promiscuous stage. It didn't last forever. It may never return. But, yes, I was promiscuous. Not sure if I would care if dozens of ladies had jumped me. Hell yeah!?

It was with men and I didn't feel bad afterwards, from what I recall. I liked the sex usually. Sometimes there were many, many partners. Some days were full of activity. It was fun sometimes. And dirty. And stupid. And 'offensive'.

Why are you doing that to my &%$#@ when you have a gold ring on your finger? Yes, the world can be crazy but who loses the most in the end?

I wouldn't recommend promiscuity and I wouldn't bag it either. I went with the flow and I didn't follow someone else's rules. And I didn't get HIV as far as I know and I don't feel that I will burn in Hell forever.

God bless.

My roommate is turning 30.

My roommate is turning 30 and I am not caring..
My roommate is turning 30 and I want to vomit up his strawberry champagne...

Don't accuse me of being a writer ... I am a HACK! I like to be amateur.

My roommate is turning 30 and I am googling Buchenwald, and Dachau, and Treblinka.
My roommate should get plastered so he doesn't have to get my hate Nazi vibe.

My roommate is turning 30 and I am downloading excessive stuff I can't pay for.

Happy Birthday Michael .... you seem like a good man.... and I'm pretty sure that I am possibly and probably not .... not always perhaps.

Do you ever want to suicide?

I'm not having the best day. I feel like crap to be frank. Maybe it is my medication playing up or my so called 'schizophrenia'. But I don't want life to end just because I am having a bad day.

Growing up I attempted suicide on a number of occasions. I hated life. I think I hated my family at times. I hated school. I hated the girl that I thought I loved; and the boy that I thought I loved. LIFE S*CKED!!

Life was hard and I was expected to be independent and cope .... and I didn't.

Everyone has bad days I think. Many people want to die every day. But if you are reading this and feel like you want to end it all, I hope that you don't. I don't know your pain and your life story. You might be angry or sad or full of hate for the world. Go with that feeling I reckon. Acknowledge it and let it be. Don't kill anyone if you can help it and don't end your own life.

Hey, life can be hard. REALLY HARD!! I lost both my parents as a young child. I grew up in a pretty straight-laced and strict world. I had 'nervous breakdowns' as a teenager. I fell in love with men; I'm still in love with a married man today and I AM A MAN. Life is F*cking impossible at times. I am on a disability pension and don't get along that well with my adopted family and share a room with a man who grew up in Poland and seems insane at times.

But I don't want to suicide. Life is still good... and bad. I like blogging and listening to Coldplay. I eat peaches ... I watch porn. And I let myself be sad and lost and depraved and silly .... and I ask for forgiveness, and I live in the moment .. and I cry.

And I love you John ... you sexy, tough-minded, Nazified, sonofabitch, beaufiful stud!

.... I don't want to suicide.

Do I really hate 'gay' men!?

First up, I am not really a preener. I don't have every hair in place and I don't dress like a dandy and I am not going to be up with the latest everything, 24 hours a day. It just does not appeal.

I am a fairly natural type of guy and I am not an extremist in any way (in my opinion). But here is where life can be strange. I just don't really dig 'gay' men. I'm not huge on the married 'committed' type of guy either; my sister's partner appeals to many (it seems). He is gregarious and a hard worker and a big smiler but my gut feels that he possibly f*cks around on the side or that he is just not that sincere sometimes. You sometimes really hate people like this and may not be fully sure why.

But back to 'gay' men. I don't intellectualize how I feel really. I just feel put out by the whole 'queer culture' thing. I am not going to be a popularity contest winner in the gay community, not in a public sense, as I 'threatened to kill' a big celebrity in this world, Ian Roberts (Sydney identity). I'm not admitting or denying anything on this one. Some gay men have taken swipes at me because of the Ian episode. Vicious, vicious, vicious!

I believe in freedom of speech but it seems that one problem with the whole 'gay' world is that a lot of the 'free speech' is very under cover and hidden and 'in the dark'. Why not say what you feel in the broad light of day? Sometimes this may be impractical but I think at times you have to stand up and prove yourself by being open about the world and to the world. No-one wants to be attacked but I think that you will likely shrivel and die if you don't square with the world sometimes.

I like to tease at times and have an offbeat sense of humor. I'm amazed at how 'precious' some 'gay' men are about jokes. And if they decide that you are 'gay' or even 'partly gay' then you may be ripped apart if you 'offend'. Unacceptable darling and so are you, it seems twisted and complicated.

Some 'gay' men have called me 'hot', 'good-looking'. It has been flattering at times but I have rarely been able to get close to 'gay' men. There always seem to be walls up and blockages. And if you get anywhere near the 'going to bed' stage, a thousand games and ploys often appear.

Maybe I have missed something. Maybe I am programmed to be 'homophobic' at times but I don't really think so; I don't like some people and I am not always sure of the exact reasons for this. I JUST DON'T LIKE THEM!!

The world seemed a little less complex before the whole gay rights movement. I guess it was necessary but it seems that the visible and public displays create even more anger at times. The Sydney Mardi Gras seems blatantly excessive at times. Should children be watching men on floats simulating sexual intercourse!? I think not. Yet, having said this, I'm not sure if my blog here will have an adult warning slapped on it and hey, maybe it should, as I am a bit direct and blunt.

It is hard to have opinions on life and not get tied up in knots with your own so called hypocrisy. Complicated, complicated, complicated ...... but sometimes I hate gay men!

Thinking of John

Love is stupid sometimes. Doctor John Kiss was my former practitioner and I thought the world of him. But in some ways he seems like a bit of a Nazi. He was friendly and probably pretended to be a 'mate'; this is good for business I suppose. Building up good public relations.

The Condamine Medical Center, where he works, states that people of various creeds, persuasions etc are all welcomed at the center. Including people of different sexual orientations .... blah, blah, blah.

It all seems like legally based propaganda. Going out on a limb here but I think (unless I am a lone example here) that there will always be those who you just will not like. Some people, regardless of class, race, creed or politics are just not going to appeal to us. Sometimes it seems like an instinctive dislike. As an example, I have a roommate who works hard and likes to give gifts to people and give away money and buy drinks. A people person. Somedays I just really do not like this guy. REALLY DON'T!!! He gives me the sh*ts! And it makes no logical sense whatsoever.

Back to the topic at hand, John. We talked a lot, the two of us. Not for hours of course but on and off when I came in for consultations. I'm sure he knew about my sometime sexual attraction for men. It was widely covered in the national media, thanks to 'gay celebrity' (italics very intentional) Ian Roberts. I 'stalked' him, according to the courts.

I talked about sex with John, in the gay sense. I wanted some S.T.D. knowledge. He was good enough to share some information but kind of gave himself away (I thought) when he discussed a particular gay sex act (fisting), something that I didn't ask about and had no interest in. Sure, it could be explained away as coincidental or even incidental but I doubted it.

I have been seen as a bad boy by many (it seems) since the Ian Roberts incident. The media claimed that I threatened to kill him and I suppose that my ambiguous wording on some letter/s could have been construed that way. I admit that I was angry. I wanted Ian and obsessed about him sexually. In polite society, if somebody says 'No' when propositioned then the 'pursuer' must back away and leave the target alone. Yes Sir, I shall comply.

But I could not do it. I hungered and hungered and hungered for Mr Roberts. It was a difficult time and I very much failed the test as it were (legally). These days I have no attraction for the man; he seems unappealing to me, maybe even warped somehow.

But back to John. I returned home after my S.T.D./sex discussions with John and could not stop thinking about the man. It was as if a Pandora's box had been open and we now had a shared personal secret together. I had told him about my promiscuity and how difficult this made my life at times. He learned about some of the sexual acts that I enjoyed with other men and I was specific about these as I needed to know what risks I might be exposing myself to.

John was on my mind and it seemed a little unusual. O.K., maybe I have a dirty mind at times but the whole 'presence' of the man was overwhelming; when I later described this to a psychiatrist he seemed somewhat dismissive of the whole event. It did not go with his academic assessment of 'erotomania' or some such.

I am willing to be shot at but I reckon that John may have been thinking of me too. Sure, difficult to prove, and if my 'stalking' case ever eventuates I probably would not have much of a chance at convincing a jury that I could sense this guy around me and in the room. Over-active imagination etc, etc. Bullsh*t!! It was something else.

I don't know if I am psychic and I don't claim to always be right about life and its many issues but my sexual longings for John Kiss really took hold after I discussed my private (sex) life with him. I don't know why and I get sick of the whole angle that I am some sort of dirty, perverted bast*rd! I don't accept this. I would have happily been a one woman type of man and bypassed the man love bit but I think that a lot of people have this part of themselves which gets hidden and punished as society still frowns about it.

The weird thing about the whole 'I love John Kiss' episode was that my so called mental state was seemingly downgraded after this time. I was no longer 'schizophrenic' or 'bi-polar' or 'schizo-affective' or whatever just 'personality disordered' and ready for jail etc. Hard to believe the rubbish that happens in the public health system sometimes.

I would be happy to claim that I may never have been really mentally disturbed in a clinical sense but was twisted out of shape by a culture that wanted me to feel dirty and different and inferior for having 'perverted feelings' etc. More bullsh*t I think!

Queensland (Australia) feels like Nazi Germany at times. I felt targeted for many reasons. I was 'gay' (which is not true I think), I was 'mentally ill', but not after I got fresh with Johno apparently. It seems like a sick system at times and I did not enjoy the forced medical treatment that I was sometimes subjected to, for a 'condition' that did not exist?

I upset the status quo. I wanted to sleep with a married man (and I am still somewhat assuming here as I never asked him if he was). I am being pretty open here and to the point and I am not doing this in order to offend anyone or be 'hip' and 'leftist'. I am using this blog as a form of therapy and healing and I have decided to clear my mind in a public forum as I don't think that hiding the truth is always such a good thing. I am not famous and I am not profiting from sharing 'secrets'.

Life can be tough. I am not officially working at the moment. I don't have many close friends and my family are d*mn offensive at times and can be more hindrance than help. My Mother (God bless her) says that I am 'difficult/impossible to live with' but she never spread this type of 'crap' that much until I threatened to call the police after she assaulted me one day. I think she knew that she had done the wrong thing by hitting me (which she did) and decided to try and destroy my character by making out how 'impossible' I was. Convenient. She has been very 'scathing' at times about my perceived sexuality. How I would possibly be 'happy' in jail etc, (because I would be f*cked a lot I suppose). Poisonous and repulsive!

Not saying that my Father has been terribly loving always either. I think that they (my 'parents') are 'good' people really but sometimes that is a problem in itself. I want to be 'good' and show the world that I line up with the idea of 'goodness'. Phony bullsh*t I think. Be 'real' first I think. The truth will set you free!? Well who knows huh.

So, with John Kiss; I love the guy and sometimes I hate him with equal force. I had stated that I wanted to stab him at the local Rodeo; did not say it to him but I was stirred up! The whole thing about being attracted to someone is that it is rarely a neat and tidy situation. It can be hell I think! Why the f*ck would I want a graying, aging, middle-aged, married (?) smelly, d*ckhead of a Doctor!? NO F*CKING WAY!!

But the truth is, and it is the truth; I love Doctor John Kiss with great passion; he p*sses me off of course but that is part of the 'magic' of animal attraction. You fight against a person and resist the force and the power of your own sexual nature. You want to hit someone and spit them in the face and swear by God that they disgust and appall you! But you know deep down that if this same person came close to you and touched you and turned you to face them you would be weak from desire and would not be able to stop them from holding you and slowly taking you to be theirs.

Johno, I'll go 10 rounds with you in the boxing ring (and probably lose) and swear like a trooper at you, spitting venom, shower you with my hatred and anger, my fury!

It's all front, and he knows it ...... I'm a slave 4 U ...... GOD*MMIT!!!

He dared to love ........ (I did steal, thank you Mister Martin et al.)

Come up to meet you, Tell you I�m sorry, You don�t know how lovely you are

I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let�s go back to the start

Runnin� in circles, [sounds like] Comin� our tails, Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It�s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start

I was just guessin�, At numbers and figures, Pullin� the puzzles apart

Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start

Runnin� in circles, [sounds like] Chasin� our tails, Comin� back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Aww It�s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I�m goin� back to the start

Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo

Getting late and I still have not eaten.

Michael, one of my roommates, will be coming home soon. He is quite a nice fellow and buys me coffee milk at times. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't buy me things as I am not inclined to return the favor. I don't have the money really.

Today I found a picture of Doctor John Kiss on the Internet. Here it is. To many he would seem like an average looking middle aged man. A man in the street, you may never say 'Hi'.

But to me, he is beautiful and incredibly sexy. I adore the guy and have tried for many years to stop loving him so much. From what I know, he is married with a family and therefore off limits. I swear to God in the heavens that I have tried all that I can to stop thinking of this man. To stop feeling for this man.

He knows that I love him as I have told him. I was not polite about it. It was not a good thing. Yet, it was the truth. I don't want to step over anyones marital lines. I do not want to be in love with an older man. I want to be like him not be in love with him.

But the fact is, I love John Kiss like no other person on this Earth. It is sick to many; it is wrong to many. This is not a good thing many would say. It must not happen!

I cannot help it! I love him so d*mn much! My mind tells me that I should not have the feelings that I have. I should not love John. I should not be this way.

I would swear on a bible, in front of the whole world, that I can not help the way I feel for this man. It consumes me. It hurts so f*cking bad!

Some people say that I am unwell and that I have a sickness, perhaps that I am emotionally unbalanced. I have been treated by doctors and psychiatrists. I have been locked in hospitals and medicated and been given treatment and pushed around and been arrested by the police and been abused by Queensland health workers and family and friends. I have lived on the streets and had no money and been pursued by the courts and lawyers...... all because I love John.

I swear to all the hosts in heaven that I have tried to forget about this man. I have tried to put my feelings away. I have tried to 'do the right thing'.

Yet still, I love him, and love him, and love him. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It is hard. I am sure of that!

John Kiss will always be in my heart. I may have to live out a lonely life. I'm not sure. But I am not going to let this beat me! I will not be destroyed by my heart. I am stronger than that!

I cannot stop loving my former Doctor; I know that this is beyond me. I am also aware that this continual blogging and pining for him may make crap reading. It is a release. I am trying to heal. I am trying.

I love you Doctor Kiss. Such a beautiful man, such a beautiful name. Of course I kiss him in my mind and I am sure that I do not mind if the almighty God sends me to an eternity of Hell because of my love for this man.

Everything about it is wrong. My life is crucified because of it but I shall never hate myself for loving him. John Kiss is the most beautiful person in the world to me, I wish that it were not so but I shall bow to the power of the heart, the power of love.

I love you John. Dave.

I have not written this much for some time now.

I don't know if anyone ever reads my blog and I don't really give a stuff about this. If you do read, then thanks. Perhaps someone will be able to relate to some of my life and nod their head in agreement.

It has been a bit of a crazy day. Not very productive but so what! One of my roommates, Michael, is a hard worker and I admire him for this. But he seems angry at those who don't do any type of job just so they can earn a bit of money. Everyone must work etc. I kind of hate him for this and he seems to put himself on a higher plane. F. you buddy! Still, may he be blessed.

All my blog entries for today seem to be similar. I am stuck in my 'unrequited' love. Yuck! What a pain in the arse it can be! But nice too somehow.

I grew up in a part of the world, north Queensland, that was quite cruel and aggressive about anything perceived to be 'homosexual'. It was unacceptable apparently and woe to anyone who happened to be so.

I seemed quite normal when growing up. I liked girls. I thought about girls; never really had a serious girlfriend of course but still liked them.

As I got older I started liking men more. I lived with two for awhile but was never too happy. Too controlling. I wanted my freedom so chose this over the model of 'gay marriage'. I don't really want to be married to a man. In this society it is still frowned on somewhat. In fact it isn't legal in Australia yet, as far as I know.

I have tried to have profiles describing myself on websites such as MyGaydar.com and squirt.org (male dating/sex sites) but I always seem to end up deleting them. I have met 'gay' men and have talked with many etc. But it never feels quite right. Keep on looking, keep on looking and so forth. I think I have given up on that avenue. So many men who are too fancy or way too macho (compensating?) or just too 'gay'. I know this sounds mean but I don't really fit in to this world.

I like women. Some I have lusted after. There are many beautiful women in the world and I notice their beauty. Perhaps one day I shall find a lady who is perfect for me (and vice versa) and we shall make a life together. But I have some doubts about this.

I like a man, and his name is John. He is older than me and probably married. I know he has children (or had, at least). I think that he is a beautiful person and I guess the truth is that I desire him. He was my Doctor for some time and was very helpful and attentive. I loved him for this. I loved him for his patience. I love him for his personal care. I loved him.

Of course this was wrong in many ways but perhaps that is just the rules that society enforces. One should not love someone who is in a committed relationship etc. Hey, I am safely guessing that John is married. He is the type and an ex-friend of mine, Alan, said that he is. But Alan lied at times. Alan said he loved me and I believed it. I lived in his home. I was never perfect in my behavior and the love ended and I was kicked out and treated badly. That is not love. Not real love.

I may never be able to stop my heart feeling for John Kiss. I may have to live out the rest of my life pining for the man and never being able to forget him. I would certainly like to stop feeling so. I do not need this really. It hurts, and it hurts badly! It affects my life. I stop eating. Sometimes I sleep a little too much as well. It can be tough!

But do you know what? Even though it can be hard, and my life seems as though it is falling apart, I am still happy to feel love for John. It is an impossible situation! He has censured me for talking with him in the past. I was banned from his medical practice as I was a bit blue with my language. He did the right thing most people would argue.

But what should I do with a heart that will not 'behave'? Should I lay down and die and block out the world and not try to live a good life? Bulls*it! Of course not!

I am proud of being the way I am. Maybe someday my heart will change and I shall fall for a nice young lady, or a 'gay' man who is not attached. But I have doubts about this somehow. It would be an incomplete type of arrangement I think. Because John (Kiss) will still be somewhere in my heart and somewhere in my memory.

I got questioned by a police detective about my communication (letters) to John and I decided that I would tell the whole truth without being ashamed or upset or annoyed. I told the policeman quite openly (and I thought bravely) that I had fallen in love with my Doctor, John Kiss and that I wanted to be intimate with him. It was the truth. Not a popular truth perhaps, but the truth still.

Some people in my position have not survived. They have killed themselves. Or gone crazy. Or become bitter and extremely angry.

I'm not going to turn negative! I am proud to love John Kiss. He may prefer it if I didn't but I just know that somewhere in his heart he is connected with me. I don't care if the world is aggressive about this type of revelation. In some countries I would be shot or imprisoned. I may still be going to jail yet as I have a 'stalking' charge against Doctor Kiss.

I did not mean to stalk him. I tried and tried and tried to stop thinking of him. I tried to stop loving him and to stop having sexual longings for him. God how I tried! And I still try to stop this.

But I can't do it! I just love him and love him and love him. Some days I can distract myself. I read some dumb book or go to the library and bury myself in the weekly papers (not literally of course). I listen to music. I eat. I try to sleep. I try to keep myself clean and tidy.

But it is always the same. I think of John. I remember our talks. I recall how gentle he was, and, at times, how pointed he was with me. About me, and my life, and my decisions. He was kind, he was firm, he was caring.

I never had my Father in my life. I never had my Mother in my life either. Except for the occasional birthday card (big deal). They were not present in my life. I sometimes hated them for this abscence!

But Doctor Kiss always seemed willing to talk to me and offer advice if needed. I'm sure that I wasn't his easiest patient. I did ask difficult questions of him and I did try to seduce him. It was wrong .... but somehow it was right too! I loved him and I still love him and I don't care if people chuck abuse my way because of it.

Maybe I will die at a relatively young age. Maybe I shall be forever scorned and held in a poor light etc. But I don't care. I don't have to prove anything. Nothing!

I LOVE YOU DOCTOR JOHN KENNETH KISS! (Stated in capitals as I am very proud of the fact).

Monday, December 8, 2008

Not eating.

I do not feel hungry today. I was going to go downstairs and have a $5 rump steak and salad but I do not want this.

I have been speaking with my roommate Bruno. He is from Poland and is a nice man but seems to be full of anger. His country has suffered and he has suffered too. He likes to talk but does not like a lot of contribution from other people in to his conversations so I just say 'Uh huh', 'Yes' and indicate that I am listening (sort of).

I did have some (overpriced) potato salad today and some nice yoghurt (probably Greek) with fruit. And a lemon drink. But that was about it.

It is a strange thing but when you are in love with someone it seems to mess up your life a bit. Well maybe for some. My interests seem to have narrowed a bit. I went to the cinema today but did not want to watch a film. The music shop was of minimum interest to me and I couldn't be bothered with eating ice-cream. I felt a bit lonely.

And I thought of John and it was a good feeling. Not overly sexual, just a good feeling. To many, he would just seem like an average, middle-aged man. Well qualified and quite influential but maybe not a world beater. I don't care about that. I just know that I love him and I am proud to admit this fact. I don't feel shame or disgust or angry at myself. Why should I?

I don't know why my heart loves the way that it does but it seems very determined, and, to be frank, I would probably be better off if I could just forget John Kiss. But the mind forgets, the heart does not.

My life has been quite untidy at times. A few years back now I fell for a famous sportsman who described himself as being 'gay'. His name is Ian Roberts and he is quite well known in the sporting world and now in the field of acting too; (small roles, but still known). I was crazy about him and wrote to him many, many times. He was annoyed by this and I ended up being charged for stalking. O.K., the law is the law but I could not turn the feelings of my heart off. I tried and I tried and I did not want to have such strong feelings for this man. It was bloody awful at times.

I loved Ian for years and years and was taken to court for being too persistent with him. The story was in the media, on television and in the newspapers and on the Internet and in a magazine and I felt sad about it all. But I was not ashamed that I loved Ian. I could not help my feelings and I did not feel dirty or 'bad'.

Sometimes in my life I have wondered if life is worthwhile. Hey, if you fall head over heels in love with older men and you are pretty forward and direct about it, you can except certain challenges to be thrown your way. I guess I have been a bit pushy with the men that I love; a control freak?

Still, life goes on. I am not that unhappy. I find it hard to work. I am on a pension and live in a cheap hotel, but it could be worse I guess. I could be living on the streets and trying to sell my arse for a meal. That would be bad!

I think that life is a good thing really. It is not always easy of course. Try being in love with a man old enough to be your own Dad; he is probably married, I know that he has a family of course as he has told me so.

Mister John Kiss, you are beautiful and loved and I am not sure that I would mind taking the 'bullet' for being so fond of you. Such is life, I cannot stop my heart and I do not see why I should have to be sad about my heart's love.

Life is good; let's celebrate it.

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