Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I have not written this much for some time now.

I don't know if anyone ever reads my blog and I don't really give a stuff about this. If you do read, then thanks. Perhaps someone will be able to relate to some of my life and nod their head in agreement.

It has been a bit of a crazy day. Not very productive but so what! One of my roommates, Michael, is a hard worker and I admire him for this. But he seems angry at those who don't do any type of job just so they can earn a bit of money. Everyone must work etc. I kind of hate him for this and he seems to put himself on a higher plane. F. you buddy! Still, may he be blessed.

All my blog entries for today seem to be similar. I am stuck in my 'unrequited' love. Yuck! What a pain in the arse it can be! But nice too somehow.

I grew up in a part of the world, north Queensland, that was quite cruel and aggressive about anything perceived to be 'homosexual'. It was unacceptable apparently and woe to anyone who happened to be so.

I seemed quite normal when growing up. I liked girls. I thought about girls; never really had a serious girlfriend of course but still liked them.

As I got older I started liking men more. I lived with two for awhile but was never too happy. Too controlling. I wanted my freedom so chose this over the model of 'gay marriage'. I don't really want to be married to a man. In this society it is still frowned on somewhat. In fact it isn't legal in Australia yet, as far as I know.

I have tried to have profiles describing myself on websites such as MyGaydar.com and squirt.org (male dating/sex sites) but I always seem to end up deleting them. I have met 'gay' men and have talked with many etc. But it never feels quite right. Keep on looking, keep on looking and so forth. I think I have given up on that avenue. So many men who are too fancy or way too macho (compensating?) or just too 'gay'. I know this sounds mean but I don't really fit in to this world.

I like women. Some I have lusted after. There are many beautiful women in the world and I notice their beauty. Perhaps one day I shall find a lady who is perfect for me (and vice versa) and we shall make a life together. But I have some doubts about this.

I like a man, and his name is John. He is older than me and probably married. I know he has children (or had, at least). I think that he is a beautiful person and I guess the truth is that I desire him. He was my Doctor for some time and was very helpful and attentive. I loved him for this. I loved him for his patience. I love him for his personal care. I loved him.

Of course this was wrong in many ways but perhaps that is just the rules that society enforces. One should not love someone who is in a committed relationship etc. Hey, I am safely guessing that John is married. He is the type and an ex-friend of mine, Alan, said that he is. But Alan lied at times. Alan said he loved me and I believed it. I lived in his home. I was never perfect in my behavior and the love ended and I was kicked out and treated badly. That is not love. Not real love.

I may never be able to stop my heart feeling for John Kiss. I may have to live out the rest of my life pining for the man and never being able to forget him. I would certainly like to stop feeling so. I do not need this really. It hurts, and it hurts badly! It affects my life. I stop eating. Sometimes I sleep a little too much as well. It can be tough!

But do you know what? Even though it can be hard, and my life seems as though it is falling apart, I am still happy to feel love for John. It is an impossible situation! He has censured me for talking with him in the past. I was banned from his medical practice as I was a bit blue with my language. He did the right thing most people would argue.

But what should I do with a heart that will not 'behave'? Should I lay down and die and block out the world and not try to live a good life? Bulls*it! Of course not!

I am proud of being the way I am. Maybe someday my heart will change and I shall fall for a nice young lady, or a 'gay' man who is not attached. But I have doubts about this somehow. It would be an incomplete type of arrangement I think. Because John (Kiss) will still be somewhere in my heart and somewhere in my memory.

I got questioned by a police detective about my communication (letters) to John and I decided that I would tell the whole truth without being ashamed or upset or annoyed. I told the policeman quite openly (and I thought bravely) that I had fallen in love with my Doctor, John Kiss and that I wanted to be intimate with him. It was the truth. Not a popular truth perhaps, but the truth still.

Some people in my position have not survived. They have killed themselves. Or gone crazy. Or become bitter and extremely angry.

I'm not going to turn negative! I am proud to love John Kiss. He may prefer it if I didn't but I just know that somewhere in his heart he is connected with me. I don't care if the world is aggressive about this type of revelation. In some countries I would be shot or imprisoned. I may still be going to jail yet as I have a 'stalking' charge against Doctor Kiss.

I did not mean to stalk him. I tried and tried and tried to stop thinking of him. I tried to stop loving him and to stop having sexual longings for him. God how I tried! And I still try to stop this.

But I can't do it! I just love him and love him and love him. Some days I can distract myself. I read some dumb book or go to the library and bury myself in the weekly papers (not literally of course). I listen to music. I eat. I try to sleep. I try to keep myself clean and tidy.

But it is always the same. I think of John. I remember our talks. I recall how gentle he was, and, at times, how pointed he was with me. About me, and my life, and my decisions. He was kind, he was firm, he was caring.

I never had my Father in my life. I never had my Mother in my life either. Except for the occasional birthday card (big deal). They were not present in my life. I sometimes hated them for this abscence!

But Doctor Kiss always seemed willing to talk to me and offer advice if needed. I'm sure that I wasn't his easiest patient. I did ask difficult questions of him and I did try to seduce him. It was wrong .... but somehow it was right too! I loved him and I still love him and I don't care if people chuck abuse my way because of it.

Maybe I will die at a relatively young age. Maybe I shall be forever scorned and held in a poor light etc. But I don't care. I don't have to prove anything. Nothing!

I LOVE YOU DOCTOR JOHN KENNETH KISS! (Stated in capitals as I am very proud of the fact).

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