Monday, December 8, 2008

Keys lost

I caught the bus today and travelled from the city to Belconnen then returned to the city and continued south to Woden then Tuggeranong. I was looking to buy a music album called 'The Fat of the Land' by The Prodigy but no store seemed to stock it. Perhaps it was for the best in some ways as the songs have a lot of anger in them and are not terribly pleasant at times.

For some reason I couldn't stop thinking of John Kiss, my former Doctor and a man that I love deeply. My head was thinking of him and I misplaced my keys somewhere, am not sure where but now cannot get in to my hotel room.

I have tried so hard to forget about John Kiss; it is probable that he is married and from what I know he has children and that is a part of his life that I would not want to be in the way of. Ever! For whatever reason, and maybe only 'God' knows, my heart fell in love with this man; I'm sure that I would have preferred not to have felt this way.

But the fact remains, I love him. And I don't see why I should have to feel bad about the way I feel. I'm sure that I didn't choose this. I don't care if I am genetically 'disadvantaged', this means nothing to me. Maybe I am not 'normal' but this too means nothing to me as I am happy about who I am and am proud of myself.

I like who I am and may not be as successful as some of my peers or quite as accomplished, but I have had successes in life. I used to be the world's number one blogger on Madonna's website and I enjoyed contributing material. This wasn't a real job, more like a hobby, but it kept me busy and it was fun.

To be honest, I wouldn't want to have a life like that of my Father. He has always worked hard and provided for wife and children and seemed quite unhappy a lot of the time. He had friends and many who admired him and respected him but he seemed restless and unfulfilled. Not a good life in my humble opinion.

When I got to know (Dr) John Kiss I saw similar parallels in his life too. He was a man of duty and a hard worker, respectable and well liked. But there was something about him that seemed quite unhappy at times; he may deny this of course, but I am sure that he wasn't always so happy with his life.

We talked, about many things. About life and holidays and hobbies and, on one occasion, about sex. He seemed animated at times and I liked that he opened up a little. Some people seem to believe that Doctors should be strictly professional in their conduct with patients and never talk too personally but I felt lucky and blessed that John was warm and talkative with me.

And, at the suggestion of some, I tried hard to find a man or a woman who was single and who I could love. I searched and searched and tried so hard to forget about John, to find someone else. But my heart refuses to forget; it seems to know what it wants and the consensus is that I can never have what I would like.

Unrequited love. It kills people I'm sure. I'm not going to let it finish me and I won't bow with shame to a world that often condones love between men. Without meaning to be coy, I'm not sure if I would call myself 'gay'. I find women attractive and have loved them but at the moment my heart seems to not want this.

It would be easier if I could just let go and move on. God help me!

I love you John Kiss and I am sure of this. May you always be blessed.

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