Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Satire: Repentance

Repentance! The very word smacks of God-fearing judgements and biblical obligations. Thou shalt not; here is where we shall start the first lesson. In order to never have to actually ever repent, simply do nothing wrong! How easy is that!? Just be perfect God-d*mn it!

So, ensure that You obey the following implicitly:

(a) Do not covet your neighbor's wife. (The Bible insists on this!) However, coveting your neighbor's husband doesn't rate a mention, so enjoy! There is also no mention of sexy older sisters, best friends or eligible mothers. Go get 'em tiger! (wink).

(b) Thou shalt not kill. It is in black and white; no swatting at that annoying mozzie, vegetarianism is now ordained, in fact it would be killing the luscious baby tomato offspring if you pluck it off the vine and pop it into your chomping, killer's mouth, wouldn't it? So, live off air and water ... but seek God's permission first.

(c) Love your neighbor as yourself. Therefore you must find people who live next door to you who are identical to you, then love the socks off 'em. If they differ from you then they won't be the same 'as' you, will they? If all else fails simply take great pains in choosing a very well-classed neighborhood. In other words, 'love your neighbor as yourself', but choose your neighborhood carefully!

(d) Love the Lord God with your heart, mind and soul. If you happen to be an atheist or a Goddess worshipper you may skip this bit.

The reason why I mention the above is to provide a framework of mindless and subjective rules in order to confuse you. And here's where the repentance bit comes in. You see, if you happen to overstep the mark on any essential commandment, it is extremely important to seek repentance from God. Only 'They' can provide the forgiveness you seek. (Note how I have avoided offending the God of political correctness with my choice of pronoun - so no need for me to repent.)

Confess your sins my son! This is a time honoured and well-worn phrase spouted by the holiest of holies! 'Daughters' are exempt apparently, so live it up ladies .. let's get the party started!

But all you sinful sons (shame on thee!) get down on bended knee and describe in detail all your breeches against God. Reveal in detail, hide none of your transgressions and empty the immoralities from your heart's chamber. Free thy soul! Thinking about this, is it any wonder why young men so wanted to become Catholic priests? The traditional act of confessing was the precursor to the tabloid press. You got to hear all the dirt! Sex, thievery, lusting, murder, bestiality, adultery, violence, alcoholism ... it was all there! Jackie Collins couldn't make up some of the stuff that got repented in the confessional box. Holy spiritos santos!

The other delight of Catholic style repentance was that one could pay something called an 'indulgence' to the church which freed up any responsibility and ensured a free path to the gates of heaven when one died. Strange that the church officials didn't seem to have to repent this obvious sales technique swindle!

Which leads me to the final conundrum of repentance. Where (in God's name) does God actually go if 'He' slips up now and again? If You are at the top where the hell do you go to unload!? Does God-almighty go downstairs and lay it on his former fallen angel Mister de Ville? 'Just coming to dish the dirt on my latest round of smiting the earthly sinners with my plagues of blood and pestilence! You got a minute Satan boy?' .... I guess I had better go and repent that. Amen.

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