Keys lost

I caught the bus today and travelled from the city to Belconnen then returned to the city and continued south to Woden then Tuggeranong. I was looking to buy a music album called 'The Fat of the Land' by The Prodigy but no store seemed to stock it. Perhaps it was for the best in some ways as the songs have a lot of anger in them and are not terribly pleasant at times.

For some reason I couldn't stop thinking of John Kiss, my former Doctor and a man that I love deeply. My head was thinking of him and I misplaced my keys somewhere, am not sure where but now cannot get in to my hotel room.

I have tried so hard to forget about John Kiss; it is probable that he is married and from what I know he has children and that is a part of his life that I would not want to be in the way of. Ever! For whatever reason, and maybe only 'God' knows, my heart fell in love with this man; I'm sure that I would have preferred not to have felt this way.

But the fact remains, I love him. And I don't see why I should have to feel bad about the way I feel. I'm sure that I didn't choose this. I don't care if I am genetically 'disadvantaged', this means nothing to me. Maybe I am not 'normal' but this too means nothing to me as I am happy about who I am and am proud of myself.

I like who I am and may not be as successful as some of my peers or quite as accomplished, but I have had successes in life. I used to be the world's number one blogger on Madonna's website and I enjoyed contributing material. This wasn't a real job, more like a hobby, but it kept me busy and it was fun.

To be honest, I wouldn't want to have a life like that of my Father. He has always worked hard and provided for wife and children and seemed quite unhappy a lot of the time. He had friends and many who admired him and respected him but he seemed restless and unfulfilled. Not a good life in my humble opinion.

When I got to know (Dr) John Kiss I saw similar parallels in his life too. He was a man of duty and a hard worker, respectable and well liked. But there was something about him that seemed quite unhappy at times; he may deny this of course, but I am sure that he wasn't always so happy with his life.

We talked, about many things. About life and holidays and hobbies and, on one occasion, about sex. He seemed animated at times and I liked that he opened up a little. Some people seem to believe that Doctors should be strictly professional in their conduct with patients and never talk too personally but I felt lucky and blessed that John was warm and talkative with me.

And, at the suggestion of some, I tried hard to find a man or a woman who was single and who I could love. I searched and searched and tried so hard to forget about John, to find someone else. But my heart refuses to forget; it seems to know what it wants and the consensus is that I can never have what I would like.

Unrequited love. It kills people I'm sure. I'm not going to let it finish me and I won't bow with shame to a world that often condones love between men. Without meaning to be coy, I'm not sure if I would call myself 'gay'. I find women attractive and have loved them but at the moment my heart seems to not want this.

It would be easier if I could just let go and move on. God help me!

I love you John Kiss and I am sure of this. May you always be blessed.

I don't like my family!

I know that it is the accepted thing to love your family etc but sometimes I really do not. I think that my Father is the kindest member of my family; all the women seem hard-hearted to me and overly Feminist in some ways.

I believe in equal rights for women but I don't claim to understand them terribly well at all. I have never had a relationship with a woman that has been that satisfactory really.

As a baby, my real mother, Betsy, gave me up for adoption as it seemed that I was somehow in the way and she wanted to marry. Apparently I couldn't be part of her family etc and wasn't welcomed.

Life sucks sometimes and I am not convinced that family is the best thing etc.

Doctor John Kenneth Kiss is a spunk!

Growing up in rural north Queensland, Australia, I was taught that 'real men' only liked women and lived respectable lives, getting married at a young age and raising a family. It never worked for me.

I liked women .... and I liked men and I never got why this was such a big issue.

When I went to live in south Queensland, in a town called Warwick, Rodeo capital, I had a few health issues (I was diagnosed with 'Schizophrenia' or 'Clinical Depression' or something).

Hospital stays, medication, E.C.T. treatment ... what a bore!

But I had a great Doctor and he was good to me; he listened and was kindhearted. I loved the guy; I could never relate to my Father that well and John filled the role in some ways.

I was pretty lonely living in a small town and I craved company. Oneday I told John how much I wanted to be close to him and you can guess the fallout that happened from this. I was dragged back in to hospital and had police questioning and stalking charges and was treated like a piece of human garbage.

I admit, I wasn't very polite in some of my communication with John and I went against 'accepted morality' but I did tell him the truth. I loved him fiercely and I wanted him and the only perspective that third parties saw was my 'unacceptable behavior' etc.

Still waiting on a court decision but I have not changed my mind about Doctor Kiss. I'm sure that he is not perfectly straight or straight-laced and I'm not ashamed about how I feel concerning him. I wasn't trying to break up his family; I genuinely loved the man and decided that I had the right to tell his so.

Doctor Kiss, you are beautiful.

Britney Spears is da sh*t! - Appalling, morally indefensible, and a complete delight!

O.K., you can take shots at me but I like Britney! If I ever had daughters I would fence off MTV ('Womanizer' is not for the littlies); if I ever had daughters, I would not be holding up Britney as the world's best role model and if I ever had sons I would keep some of the Britney pics (that snake shot spins my hid still) under lock and key. Hey, some of us can be 'stuffy'!

But the gal is a survivor! Britney played the world's most famous 'Lolita' at the tender age of 16, for Jeez sakes, half the middle age male world was getting 'gluey' over America's Princess at such a young and vulnerable stage. Tie the shirt up Brits, wear a sports bra and pout your way down the school halls ... one more time! Did someone whisper 'paedophilia'?

Britney has been used and abused and marketed to death by some of the sleaziest, money-hungry promoters in history. The ultimate 'commodity', the ultimate call-girl; tacky, inappropriate and 'witch-hunted' to the near edges.

And .... the world can't get enough! She was googled more than the Beijing Olympics I read somewhere. Britney Spears is da s*it! Hotter than Hell as they say! She sells magazines by the truckload, offends all the moralists and gets referenced endlessly ... by, well, just about everyone! You can't like this girl, you either love her or you hate her! (Disregard what I stated in the opening line, I'm allowed to contradict myself, it's my website!)

Britney Spears meltsdown, had Paparazzi waiting outside her home (at the time of the 'suicide attempt') because they knew that a picture of a body bag would sell for millions, her head was as bald as the eagle's and she still, somehow, bounces back and thrills the masses with new songs, new nude shots and 'sex' by the boatload. Britney IS da sh*t!!

Yesterday, I was in a music shop and picked up a copy of 'Circus'. To be released on her birthday and I had it days in advance ... some of us move in the right circles (he winks). Of course, I flicked through the album's liner notes and was floored by the hottest of Britney pics. 'The Firm' as they are sometimes known had transformed her in to a perfect Goddess! And yes, Mister tacky here, I was Hugely aroused! BRITNEY IS DA SH*T!!

You can get shot at in some parts of town for admitting that you like Brits but I can't help myself. Impossible to ignore, totally unforgettable, possibly completely irrelevant in the world of 'serious' social discourse and undoubtably the world's biggest star of the moment!

Marry me Britney! Who cares what Madonna may have advised you about not tying the knot again. B-R-I-T-N-E-Y I-S D-A S-H-*-T!!! xxx

A Homosexual 'scandal' ...

Dear Philip,

I have been having trouble keeping up with my emails as everything is being done by public access. I have sent the below correspondence to the court; Legal Aid suggested that I contact them. You are getting a copy for, well, 'hard copy' reasons. This may be hopelessly inadequate but I want there to be seen that an attempt was made to be compliant. I am happy to stay in touch with the police here in case a warrant ever comes through. Now, the hard part, I think I have said 'sorry' about 3 times in my life so I'm not going to enjoy this much. Philip, I sincerely apologize to subjecting you to; (a) my derogatory language, (b) my salacious sense of humor and (c) for making a fuss a couple years back about your correspondence with a mental health department without my written consent. You possibly don't remember but I whinged to the high heavens in the meeting we had with a few 'professionals'.

I am skating on a very thin edge at the moment. My health has been lacking, my living arrangements may be back in dark alleys again and there are too many personal problems to mention in one email. If you have time, please read what I have said below. Not sure if I can read your answer, with computer (public access) bookings and my possible inability to shower and enter public places for awhile. Steep learning curve here, wouldn't wish it on Arkham's 'finest' (one D.C. reference is forgivable I hope).

You've helped and I am sincerely grateful for this.

I'm not struggling against my fate now and have done my best to explain.

Have to find something to eat.

Yours in the world of comic books (wink),
D. Braybrooke Smyth.

'This city deserves a better class of criminal and I'm not gonna give it to them'. (Alright, so that's two [paraphrased] so spank me! ;-)




Dear Sir/Madam,

I have two matters proceeding through the Toowoomba courts; one being for unlawful stalking and the other a public nuisance charge. My full name is David Innes Braybrooke and you may have mention of my other (adopted) name, David Walter Smyth. My date of birth is the 18th of November, 1972.

After telephoning Legal Aid Queensland I was advised to get in touch with the courthouse in Toowoomba in relation to my legal matters.

Currently I am residing in the city of Canberra in the ACT. I was asked to attend court in Toowoomba on the 12th of November, 2008, and made sincere efforts to do this but was unable to travel to Queensland owing to financial and health difficulties. Legal Aid Queensland solicitor, Philip Stainton, explained that a warrant for my arrest would be issued if indeed I did not attend court. I presented at the Federal Police Station in Canberra in order to hand myself in yet no action was taken and, after further investigation, it was advised to me that a warrant had not been issued after all.

Being somewhat unaware of the finer points of legal protocol, I am politely requesting that you pass on some details to the presiding judge, at my next hearing, that being in early December, 2008. I am unable to easily fax you a formal letter so would please ask that you take a memo or print out this email for the judge. I should like to add that I do not have a lawyer to officially represent me (quoting the Legal Aid office in Brisbane).

If the above request to pass this information on to the judge is not possible, I should like to inform the courts that I will be as extremely co-operative ,as possible, (accounting for possible behavioral issues due to health reasons) in the event of any issued arrest warrant, once (and if) it gets transferred interstate.

Sincere thanks (in advance) for any assistance,

Yours Faithfully,
David Smyth Braybrooke.


To the presiding judge at the Toowoomba district court:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I sincerely apologize for not attending my court hearing on the 12th of November, 2008. Furthermore, I sincerely apologize for not attending proceedings today.

It was explained to me (by Legal Aid solicitor, Philip Stainton) that a warrant for my arrest would be issued if I failed to comply with my legal obligations. It is not my intention to offer you tedious explanations concerning my failure to appear but I should like to, as succinctly as possible, list the reasons for this.

As follows:

(a) I currently receive $529 fortnightly as a Disability Pension payment. It is hard to fund living quarters, food and medications on this amount in the city of Canberra and the arrangements and cost of travel to Toowoomba, accommodation and transfers was beyond my means and capabilities. I admit that I have had some extra money from some family members but have been unable to handle my fiscal matters very well. At times, I live on the streets in the capital (owing to financial and accommodation difficulties) and am wary of police.

(b) I have a diagnosed inguinal hernia that sometimes impedes my movement. There is divided medical opinion on my state of mental health, yet my two most recent attending Psychiatrists, Doctor Russell Findlay (Toowooba Base Hospital) and Doctor (?) Cassick - spelling may be inaccurate, apologies - (Belconnen Mental Health, Canberra), have either (to the best of my knowledge) treated, and/or medicated me for the condition of 'Paranoid Schizophrenia'. I currently take the drug Seroquel (used to treat Schizophrenia - and other conditions - according to my Googling) in an attempt to maintain my health. Although the Mental Health Courts (Tribunal?) are somewhat dismissive of my medical condition and the effects on my behavior, I am periodically taken off the streets, sometimes under threat of police duress, and am given medical treatment (often in high security wards) against my will and treated (officially documented) for the condition that apparently has 'no significant effect on my behavior'; (quoting the courts, to the best of my knowledge).

(c) I have little family support owing to a widening estrangement.

Legal Aid has explained to me that I have not done sufficient to keep in touch with the court system and suggest that the aforementioned arrest warrant may be forthcoming. I would like to assure you that I will be as extremely compliant (as possible: explained in cover letter to the court) with police in the event of a warrant being issued. I have great respect for the legal system and I am writing this to you today in a sincere attempt to show the deference that is rightly owing to you.

In relation to my charges. Unlawful stalking: I do not contest that my personal behavior towards the 'complainant' ('plaintiff') (italics indicate possible subjectivity, term unclear owing to specific legal procedure - the matter appears strictly police motivated) crossed lines of 'accepted morality' but I should like to say in my defence that I struggle with my personal identity and feel aggrieved that my inbuilt preference for 'those I admire' is, apparently, widely seen and considered as an 'unforgivable degredation' rather than a possible "biologicial 'quirk'" (double italics intentional). I should like to add that I found the 'complainant's' (italics - as above, in brackets) behavior towards me ambiguous at times, and possibly slightly (or more) unprofessional; stated behavior includes the giving of information concerning a gay sex act called 'fisting' which had absolutely no relevance (in my opinion) to the questions that I asked my practitioner about S.T.D.'s; forgive my frankness but I am not somebody who favors extreme penetration (sexually) so would never ask about such a topic. Secondly, my former Doctor telephoned me on my mobile, 0400061666 and left a mysterious all-breathing, no speaking message - my attempts to try and secure number references and message bank entries from Telstra has proven to be a drawn out and incredibly difficult task, however, the Condamine Medical Center in Warwick, Queensland, confirmed that a call had been made to my mobile from a phone at the Medical Center (I'm quoting the Receptionist ). The Doctor also spent some time with me in consultations talking about his family (including ski trip to the South Island of New Zealand), campdrafting, studying at Monash University in Melbourne, Victoria, asked me questions about my interests, including my musical 'talents', trip to my cousin's wedding in Melbourne, my lover's birthday and my day to day life, was very warm and personable, and, according to a lawyer at the Disability Legal Service, may have been a little too 'attentive'. It has never been my intention to hurt this man (Doctor Kiss); coming from a background of social isolation (losing my parents as a child) and a broken marriage (adopted parents) my upmost consideration is that his (the 'plaintiff's' - reminder of italics, see above) family life and personal space be treated with due respect. At no time did I ever ask Doctor Kiss if he was married (not my business) and I don't, as a general rule, presume anything, (regardless of the family reference - NZ trip - above).

Because of my previous stalking charge, which was widely covered in the national media (complainant: former NRL star/ actor and 'gay identity', Ian Roberts), I have often felt at a distinct disadvantage when it came to the treatment of myself by members of the Queensland health services, police force and government at large. I do not claim to be a politically motivated activist of any description and tend to be fairly 'centrist' in my approach to life. However, the 'infighting' and apparent contradictory medical assessments concerning my mental health by 'qualified practitioners' (and subsequent treatment by said departments - see above - and the general public at large) has been dismaying to say the least.

Public Nuisance: I attempted to gain medical assistance at the Toowoomba Base Hospital (for the above-mentioned mental health condition and/or related condition/s, behavior) but was treated as though I was fraudulent.. My medical history clearly lists several hospitalizations in a number of psychiatric and/or medical facilities, including the Cairns Base Hospital, Atherton Hospital, Toowoomba Base Hospital, Baillie Henderson Hospital and the Frankston Hospital (Victoria); I suspect that these numerous (and documented) in-patient sessions were not for 'no reason' or for insignificant 'maladies'. I was verbally and physically assaulted by staff at the Toowoomba Hospital and was unable to leave in time, after being dragged out to the foyer in 'Emergency', dumped on the floor, then blamed for 'being in the way', before being arrested by the police and held in lock up (and charged) at the Toowoomba Police Station. The next day, I sought assistance from the Clubhouse (Mental Health facility) in Toowoomba.

These legal matters have been ongoing for a period of at least 3 years now (by my calculation) and I would like some resolution please, if possible, in a practical time-frame.

I suppose my greatest fear is that you (or equivalent party) will give me a jail sentence, or that my private life will be dissected and treated with extreme disdain in the media once again; there never has been a right of reply, and, according to some in the legal profession, my legal outcome (this time around) will be largely determined by the quality of representation that I secure; in other words, how much money I have to spend on a lawyer. The Legal Aid office in Brisbane have clearly stated (sounds like a misnomer; wry smile) that I do not have official representation through their channels and I am unsure of what role, if any, that Mister Philip Stainton plays in relation to my matters. I have, at times, been in touch with Mister Stainton by email, occasionally being flippant with him, which is somewhat regrettable, and am largely unsure what legal position he fills; I did make attempts to find answers to this. Mister Stainton has often been informative and helpful in his correspondence and I am most grateful for this.

Sir/(Madam), I am not asking you for any favors; I have done my best to explain my situation and I shall not take up more of your time with further words.

Yours Faithfully,
David Smyth Braybrooke.

The 'real' Australia (no Nicole Kidman or Hugh Jackson to be bothered with). Letter to my old man...

Hello,

I haven't been emailing lately. The unopened messages are running close to thousands in fact. Today sees my return to online work; my everyday life, as usual (it seems), has been chaotic, complicated and always surprising somehow.

So far I have avoided living back on the streets by playing things fairly safe at the hotel that I am staying. It is very cosmopolitan central but dirt cheap ($20 per night). I am 'under attack' from my Polish roommate, as it were, as he doesn't seem to like me a lot. I'm 'poisoning him with my mobile phone', he brandishes a knife in the room at times and thought that I was part of the French Secret Service (from what I can gather) because I called him Monsieur Artiste de monde (Mister Artist of the World) and he read deep things in to it apparently. He ranted that he was a 'target' because of some story about missing Nazi gold and all I could think of was call Indiana Jones in a hurry mate! (Naughty grin). (I'm sure he is a fraudster and wants me out of 'his' room) but Thank G. some others have now moved in and his 'nastiness' has been curtailed. I admit, (sorry to bore?) I called him 'Fascist' at one stage as the 'rules' of the room were all about him largely and I got cheesed about it. I apologized later because of his Eastern European background and because his family was no doubt affected by the doings of the German Socialists, who were undoubtedly 'Fascist'. Anyway, he seems to enjoy the instant befriending and 'informing' of any new hotel guests and I feel like I'm living in a Cold War Zone with 'mysteriously annoyed people'. Guess what? After being fodder for the courts, print and news media (on the odd occasion), irate family and friends and the 'grubby' general public at large, I feel immune to the petty silliness of a Polish artist. And to make things better, a very 'helmet' headed Australian has moved in to the room (yesterday), noisy, smelly, insensitive, loud, 'typical' and doesn't seem to be the type to 'take sides'. Hallelujah! Then, party girls from Wagga Wagga took the adjoining room and 'little Miss extroverted' jumped in and out of the 'Polish dorm'. I instantly fell for her as she was so damn cheeky, pretty and 'pawed' me with a grin. Her friend rescued her, which was probably just as well as the 'others' in the room (NOT ME!) were undoubtably mysoginist it seemed. They talk about women as though they are nothing more than annoying bits of furniture with 'slutty' dress sense! I'm someone who actually likes the ladies and am delighted by the increasing number of times that complete strangers (females) walk up to me in the street and start chatting away. It seems to happen a lot actually; lucky me!

Still, the room availability at the hotel does not look that secure at times and I may be forced out owing to the Christmas crowds. The management seems to give the nod to 'workers' etc, so I quite happily blather on about my online marketing and website building. It is very hard work at times, pays a pittance, is entirely thankless and allows me a certain contained celebrity in the wider world of the Internet 'madness'. I have been featured on a Russian website as well as picked up by large social networking sites etc. Sure, the man who sells doughnuts or scrubs the loos will get all the kudos in this type of society but I like to keep building my online presence and it feels as though the 'influence' reaches far from these shores at times. I can't be the doughnut seller or the toilet man right now as my C.V. is crappy, I can't wash my clothes at the moment and my (word deleted) medication is giving me the pips; and 'Yes'!, I have tried to link in with mental health here in the city but it is nigh on impossible to get a bulk billing G.P. to give me a reference to the service (needed) and then I run the risk of being over-medicated (yet again) and would be very quickly living in the park again. Do I hate life sometimes? You betcha!!

The legal bit. Still undecided. The court seems to be giving me more and more leeway on this one. I have, as advised, written to the courts and explained very thouroughly my side of the stories. I was as objective as possible and clearly underlined that I was not looking for any favors whatsoever. A legal worker that I chatted with seems to think that the matters will be in eternal 'limbo' and that if I never return to Queensland (no more visits) I will never have the matter/s reinstated.. Seems stupid. I deliberately handed over the 'full story', as I saw it, without making any type of glib apology. I've never come across a single person in life who has made a difference in the world, who hasn't at some stage been 'witch hunted' for an action that went against the grain of society. Even Lincoln, who gets touted as 'America's Hero', based part of his Presidential push (from what I know) on the promise that he would keep slavery in the South, alive and well. Strange world! 'Fortunately' for me, my particular matters have turned certain parties 'political' and there has been a fair bit of bickering and disagreement and 'taking of sides' among workers in Queensland Health and the Toowoomba legal fraternity too. To be fair, I think they all 'suck' somehow. 3 years and counting; can't someone with a bit of gumption and wherewithal look at the 'stuff' and make a choice. The longer it goes, the seedier it all becomes somehow but I feel largely unaffected by it. I was never trying to make a statement, be political or push people's buttons etc. I just saw something I liked and went after it. Rules, regulations, societies 'morals', biblical laws, what the 'majority' does has rarely meant one whip to me. The only thing that would have surprised me is if I hadn't been persecuted at some stage. 'Bad boys' always get a whipping and make enemies and sometimes are anything but contrite! (You don't need to add your 'yes, but...' opinion here as I am unlikely to read it). Very independantly minded here and will take bullets if and when they come. I said to someone once that I 'wasn't born in this life to win a popularity contest'. I admit that I'm angry and resentful and bitter and a bit twisted and hate people for denying me my rights to 'my' parents and am unlikely to change any of this in a hurry. Extremist? ..... to sum up. What is the difference between me and a terrorist? Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist. I am determined, sometimes hard-hearted, fully expect to 'piss' off the establishment, rarely apologize, don't care if I remain 'unloved' and may turn out to be one of life's 'biggest failures', but I think that on my 'death bed' I will have every right to sing Mister Sinatra's l'il tune .....

'For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!'

Always controversial, always provocative, never repentant and possibly an enormous 'disappointment'. But I feel like I'm alive so something is working.

If you have read this far then kudos and a an OAM for you etc.

Finishing; the one thing about being 'perenially unpopular' is that you get used to it and finally develop the strength to really do what you want in life. And that, I'm afraid, is your bloomin' lot for the week.

Cheers and a hug,
The defiant one. ;-)